Thank you for looking into our student debt forgiveness program. Let’s see if you qualify!
1. Were you a recipient of a Pell Grant?
If yes, go to page 2
If no, go to page 13
2. Great! You have completed the first hurdle toward debt forgiveness! Just a few dozens more hurdles to go. After graduating college, did you decide to take on even more debt by starting a business?
If yes, go to page 3
If no, go to page 13
3. Wow, hope that worked out! Luckily, you’re still in the running for debt forgiveness! Next, did the name of your business contain three capital letters, two non-consecutive numbers and a special character?
If yes, go to page 4
If no, go to page 13
4. When you turned 11 did your parents bestow upon you a medallion that looked mysteriously like it was actually one half of a greater whole?
If yes, go to page 5
If no, go to page 13
5. Did you track down the owner of the other half of said medallion and discover that they were your long lost twin?
If yes, go to page 6
If no, go to page 13
6. How did you finally find them?
If you found them via the internet or a personal investigator, go to page 13
If you found them after dramatically defeating them in an intense fencing bout at a girls sleep away camp, go to page 7
Great! Now that we have confirmed that you have a qualifying small business, a medallion and a new twin, you’re halfway to debt forgiveness! Let’s keep going.
7. How many fingers am I holding up?
If you guessed three go to page 8
If you guessed any other number, go to page 13. (No cheating)
8. Do you ever skip washing your hands after using the bathroom because there’s only a hand dryer in there and those never really work and it’s not like you peed on your hands or anything?
If no, 9
If yes, go to page 13
9. Be honest.
If you really truly wash your hands every time you use the bathroom you might just be deserving of debt forgiveness. Go to page 10.
If no go to page 13 you filthy liar.
Wow, look how far you’ve made it! You may now put down your dumb little forms as we are entering the physical portion of the qualification process. Let’s go! That debt ain't gonna forgive itself (trust us, that was our first plan).
10. You must wrestle your opponent for one of three balls in this pool of KY Jelly and dirt. If you obtain a ball you will move onto Stage Two where you will have four minutes to complete a human sized tangram puzzle. Once you complete that, you will have 45 seconds to eat as much hot garbage as you can. Ready go!
If you completed the mission, you can rejoin the rest of the group as you’re still in the running for the big money (student debt forgiveness). Go to page 11
If you did not, this ends your time here on MTV’s The Challenge: Debt Forgiveness Edition. Take care of yourself and I’m sure we’ll see you around soon. Go to page 13.
11. I’m going to throw a hoop in the air and you will need to time yourself perfectly to jump through it. And if you make some little quip about this being a metaphor I will hit you with my hoop and give you more debt.
If you made it through my hoop go to page 12.
If you didn’t make it through my hoop OR you made some little wise ass remark go to 13
Page 12: Congratulations! You’ve qualified for student debt forgiveness. You will receive $100 dollars towards your student debt (granted you have spent at least three years serving in our beautiful military.)
Page 13: fuck you and your fucking debt