The biggest problem among females age 18-22 in the United States today is their friends. Any friend that a girl has is most likely going to suck—unless she's hot and wants to hook up, then she's probably cool. Of all the stereotypically lame friends a girl has in her lame group of friends (examples include: shy friend, fat friend, ghetto Latina friend, overly masculine friend, and any combination thereof), no friend is more annoying than "the crazy friend." If you don't know which friend I'm referring to then you've likely never met a group of college-aged women.
The "crazy friend" is typically a bit husky (although not fat enough to be the fat friend), and she probably has a tongue piercing and shoulder-length hair pulled into a ponytail. She may also have a tramp-stamp to solidify her absolutely "crazy" persona. Her name will probably be Jill or Jen, or some other one syllable J name. You will most likely meet her in a somewhat pleasant situation while at a party, bar, or walk down the street. She will burst on the scene while you are with a certain female, and all of a sudden they'll both begin to scream and laugh in high-pitched female tones. They may share an embrace while they call one another "bitches" repeatedly while saying "oh my god" as fast possible. The following dialogue tends to occur in this manner:
Respectable Girl: Oh my god Brendan! You have to meet Jen! She is the craziest girl in the world!
Me: Yeah I bet.
Respectable Girl: Last weekend, Jen got so drunk she made out with like three guys and puked on one of their shirts!
Crazy Girl: I don't even FUCKING remember!!
Respectable Girl: She is so nuts.
Not only is the story of her craziness generally lame and useless, but she will reiterate how drunk she was by using loud curse words. She reserves the right to be the most obnoxious person at all times, and she will talk shit to large groups of dudes while you are the only one physically capable of defending yourself. She smokes cigarettes and lets everyone know how much she doesn't care about her health, and if she went out the night before, you will be fully informed of just how drunk she got. Hey, you know what? I know people that get drunk and smoke cigarettes and hook up with people and they're called EVERYONE I KNOW. The craziest girl in the world wouldn't explain how drunk she got last night, she would explain how many dead puppies it took to make her shrine to Patrick Swayze's character "Bhode" in Point Break…last night.
So what must you do to protect yourself from such a horrid bitch? I'm glad you asked, because I've devised a system that will protect even the most mild mannered of young men from succumbing to the "craziest girl alive" and all her bullshit.
Step 1: Call her on her bullshit.
Whether her "craziness" comes in the form of sexual spontaneity, alcoholism, or general lack of concern for her physical well-being, make it known that insanity is not one of her traits. If she is supposedly so nuts, ask her, "Why don't you give me a handjob right here?" or "How bout you let me get wrist deep up in that?" If she declines either sexual advance, she is indeed not crazy.
If she is such an absurd party animal, designate a seven-day period during the school year in which you can afford to go out hard every night. Since she and her friends insist that she parties so much, she would certainly oblige to the challenge of a one week bender. More often than not, whatever week you choose for the challenge will be the week she just happens to have a "big test" or something like that. If this bitch was so nuts she would never back down from a bender challenge, therefore she's a lying cunt.
Who's out of breath NOW? Crazy bitch.In another test of will, buy two packs of cigarettes on a night you know you will be around the crazy girl, and take smoke breaks every five minutes. Insist that she come with you and smoke on every break. If she tries to back out by saying that she doesn't want to take any more of your cigarettes, let her know you have two packs. She will undoubtedly concede somewhere along the line. This dumb whore cares about her body so much she won't even smoke an entire pack in an hour. This makes the score Me: 3, Crazy Bitch: 0.
Step 2: Total embarrassment and victory.
After she has been sufficiently called on her bullshit, she is ready to be embarrassed in front of all that worship her as a crazy goddess. As she is regaling her friends with a story of craziness one day, have several of your friends dress in all white with the words "Mental Institution" monogrammed on their shirts. Have them seize her, throw her in a straightjacket, and haul her away. As her friends begin to register the absurdity of the events that have just unfolded, you can take the opportunity to explain to them that this was simply an ironic "interactive theatre arts piece" (Hot Rod, 2007) that was used to illustrate what would actually occur had their friend been "the craziest girl in the world." You may also use this time to explain how she is only being dropped off at the local landfill with a straightjacket on, and she can hitchhike home.
Begin celebrating your victory with a can of refreshing Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
In conclusion, you may ask yourself, "Why go to such lengths to humiliate and eliminate a seemingly harmless yet terribly annoying person?" Answer: Lame girls like this are ruining everyone's good time on a shocking national level. They may make out with a few dudes at a bar, or stimulate the economy with their piercings, tattoos, and monthly cigarette buying, but is such a tiny economic stimulus and a few random acts of mild sluttiness worth the happiness of a great many people? I believe it was James Madison, "the architect of the Constitution," who once wrote in his journal, "God, I cannot standeth anymore these fake bitches."