6:00 AM: Arise
SMS update reads: “Your item is out for delivery and will arrive between 7:00 AM and 10:00 PM.” You are unfazed. Time is relative when you’re getting a new entryway bench for your apartment.
6:30 AM: Meditate
Inhale. Visualize your green entryway bench, and how it will tie the space together. Exhale. Imagine your friend Susie’s face when she walks in and sees it. Last time she was here she remarked on how you “need grown-up furniture.”
Hold your breath for five beats as you tell Susie in your mind’s eye to go eat shit. Inhale.
7:00 AM: Strategize
Inform your boss that you will be working remotely. Why? Get creative. Perhaps you are “under the weather” and you need an unspecified amount of time to recover, perhaps an ambiguous family emergency.
Your boss might be your mentor and your friend, and you consider telling the truth, but remember that lying is justified if it serves the greater purpose of you becoming a better human being because your living space will be better with a sustainably sourced, green entryway bench. You will project confidence, and projecting is better than being.
7:30 AM: Nourish yourself
It’s clear that planning isn’t your forte, otherwise you would have arranged for this to be delivered on a weekend, and you would not have had to lie, and you wouldn’t need to prove something to Susie, but here you are.
You wish you had the ingredients to make a nutritious smoothie, but you do not. You have leftover tacos, and that’s enough. You are enough.
7:45 AM: Anticipate
Contact customer service to get delivery updates for your sustainably sourced, green entryway bench (with storage). The company’s chatbot is helpful, but it’s asked you for your phone number three times to verify the order, so it must be some sort of glitch. Or maybe the robot has become sentient and, like humans, it also doesn’t like to be in Customer Service.
You practice empathy.
7:50 AM: Cleansing and purging
Just go to the bathroom and take a shower, please.
7:55 AM: Contemplate
Is this your life now? Are you trapped in a loop of capitalist consumption? How many ethically made, sustainably sourced, green entryway benches with storage will you need to feel like you are good enough? Will pleasing Susie please you? How many poor decisions have led you here and what, if anything, can you do to change the outcome of your life?
Remember to rinse off the soapy water.
2:00 PM: Respond, don’t react
If you wake up in a haze after falling asleep on the couch, your damp towel still wrapped around you, drool on your face, the logo on your television screen aimlessly bouncing around the edges never hitting the corners, a few missed calls and a text message that reads, “We were unable to deliver your package, click on this link to reschedule,” don’t scream.
Remember, all experiences can be neutral if you let them. Did you notice that the area code is from Eastern Europe? No, you were too busy thinking about how much of a failure you are to realize it’s a phishing scam.
Anyway, go drink water or something, jeez.
2:30 PM: You need to calm down, my dude
It’s only a cheap, poop colored, crappy quality glorified chair that will maybe fit two tote bags in the storage and has a performative environment label on it so you can feel good about yourself while you sit down to take your shoes off. You don’t need to cry and text your boss and apologize for lying to her, even though she sent you a soup for lunch and a “hope you feel better” text.
6:00 PM. Daily recap and goal-setting
Could you have gone to the office? Yes. Could you have done something productive at home today like laundry? Yes. But did you watch a series of youtube videos that taught you how to restore a grandfather clock if you had all the necessary equipment? Yes. Looking on the bright side is good.
6:35 PM: Kudos to self
Your delivery arrives. The fleeting dopamine hit leaves you empty. The entryway bench of your dreams is just ok, it’s both smaller and larger than you thought. Will Susie approve? Perhaps a throw blanket would make it pop. You place a rush order.
6:45 PM: Looking ahead
SMS Update reads: “Your delivery will arrive tomorrow between 7:00 AM and 10:00 AM.” You think of a new lie and wonder how much you’re willing to erode the trust between you and your boss. But also knowing when to burn it all down and sever ties with people is important.
8:00 AM: Unwind
Lol sure. Good luck staying on your phone until 1:00 AM. Hope you don’t get fired!