Dos and Don'ts of the Gym

There's a lot of things going on in the gym. It can be a confusing place. While guides to the gym have been written and posted already, I figure it's up to me to spread more of the good word, since people at my gym are fucking idiots.

So here are Casey Freeman's Dos and Don'ts of the Gym:

DO: Say "Hi" and show your membership card.

DO: Go ahead and make small-talk with the cute counter girl.

DON'T: Expect the counter people to know who you are. You're not important. Show your card like the rest of the gym.

DON'T: Make more than small-talk with the cute counter girl. Her boyfriend is probably one of the trainers, and will probably kick your ass.

DO: Choose a locker, put your stuff in there. Lock it up. Or don't. It's your stuff. See if I give a shit if somebody steals it.

DO: Chat with people at a reasonable level about sports, your bench press, the weather, current events or other manly stuff.

DO: Comment on somebody's arm, chest or back tattoo.

DO: Wear a towel around and use it.

DO: Shave, wash your face or take a leak.

DON'T: Whistle or hum. Only girls and hobos do that.

DON'T: Talk about your kids, grandkids, kitten, art class, your grandparents or your milk glass collection.

DON'T: Talk too loudly. Honestly, not everybody is a Yankee, Red Sox, Broncos or Knicks fan. Frankly, your team sucks and so do you. Get a fucking life besides sports you personality-less fuck.

DON'T: Comment on any man's tattoo below the chest. Or his appendectomy scar.

DON'T: Pluck out your pubes while taking a piss. Fucking nasty man. Who wants to see short and curlys on the urinal? Not me. Not anybody.

DON'T: Walk around for longer than two minutes naked. Do that in your own house.

DON'T: Use the paper towel machine or air blower hand dryer thing to dry off. Use a towel you classless piece of shit.

DON'T: Talk on your fucking cell phone. For crying out loud, you're not fucking important. There are eight people in Brooklyn that are important, and you're not one of them.

DON'T: Talk to people while you're taking a shit. For fuck's sake, just wait two minutes. No conversation is that important.

DON'T: Shave anything besides your face or head in the sink. Who the hell raised you?

DO: Use a towel to wipe away sweat or other bodily fluids. Thank you very much.

DO: Wear comfortable clothes.

DO: Be friendly with guests.

DO: Get off a machine if you're feeling faint.

DO: Put the weights where they go.

DO: Help other people out when they need a spotter.

DO: Motivate yourself and others with reasonable pep talks.

DO: Use the mirrors to see progress.

DON'T: Leave your ass, ball or v-jay sweat on the seat or any other surface. Unless this is your place, but it's not. Use some common courtesy you disgusting fucking slob.

DON'T: Wear netted shirts, spandex or biker shorts, unless you are a hot chick.

DON'T: Ever wear sandals, blue jeans or dress shirts. You're not at the beach, in your garage or in the office. Wear workout clothes. Those little studs on jeans tear the shit out of the benches, which drives up membership costs. This affects everybody, including you jerkwad.

DON'T: Talk on your cell phones while exercising. You ain't Puff Daddy. Do the gym a favor and bite off your own tongue and either choke to death or bleed yourself dry. Thanks.

DON'T: Ever come to the gym if you're a hippie with dreads.

DON'T: Brag or boast about your bench, squats or curls. Honestly, nobody gives a shit. Seriously, nobody cares. Ah, really, not a single person besides you. So shut up.

DON'T: Drop weights, plates or other equipment wherever you feel like. Those guys in the gym with uniforms aren't your mommy. If you can't put it back, don't take it. You fucking slob.

DON'T: Put the weights wherever you feel like. If you don't know your numbers, go play "Darth Vader*."

DON'T: Grunt or count louder than you need to…and you never really need to grunt loudly.

DON'T: Bother other patrons if you're having a heart attack. You're old, fat and disgusting. You came to the gym too late in life for it to matter. Everybody dies. Nobody gives a shit if you keel over. Thanks.

DON'T: Start small talk with people who don't want to talk to you, which is probably everybody.

DON'T: Strut around in your new workout clothes. This is a gym, not a catwalk. Ask your spotter to pick up the heaviest plate and drop it on your fucking head or sexual organs. Quit polluting the earth with yourself.

DON'T: Hit on girls for longer than two minutes. If they're not interested in you by then, you struck out. Admit it.

DON'T: Stand in front of the mirror for longer than you work out. Go at home, look at your reflection and jerk off. Then break the glass and slit your throat you vain fucktard.

*How to Play "Darth Vader": Paint yourself black. Lay down in the middle of the highway. Use the Force to avoid traffic. Repeat.

DO: Sit down and relax.

DO: Ask others before spraying water or aloe vera or other crap on the heat rocks.

DO: Use a towel.

DO: Relax, breathe and meditate.

DO: Leave if you're feeling light-headed.

DO: Drink plenty of water.

DO: Feel free to carry on quiet conversations.

DON'T: Fucking jack off for the love of all that is holy. Do that in your own bathroom, bedroom or bunker, but not in public you revolting fucking pervert.

DON'T: Sit on the wood bare-assed. Who the fuck are you? I hope the steaming hot seating surface gelds your balls off and I hope it's intolerably painful for the rest of your worthless fucking life.

DON'T: Carry on conversations that might make other users feel awkward.

DON'T: Have a fucking heart attack so they close the sauna down. Just stay home, eat KFC, watch American Gladiators and die an undignified death without bothering anybody. You lazy fucking slob.

DON'T: Use your "in da middle of da club" voice. This is supposed to be a quiet place, not an auction block.

DON'T: Fucking jack off you motherless piece of dog shit.

DO: Shower.

DO: Use a towel.

DO: Take a leak in there if it makes you feel good.

DO: Use soap and clean yourself.

DO: Have a beer in there if you really want to.

DON'T: Fucking jack off your piece of fucking trash.

DON'T: Carry on conversations. This is the fucking shower, not happy hour.

DON'T: Fucking shave your fucking balls then fucking leave the fucking razor in the fucking shower you classless abortion of a two-dollar whore.

DON'T: Come back to the shower while somebody is in there asking if you left your soap, necklace or pube razor in there. Just fucking wait, you stupid brainless turdmuncher.

DON'T: Piss in the shower and not wash it down the drain. What, were you born in New York City or something?

DON'T: Chew tobacco and spit on the floor without washing it down the drain. C'mon, have some decency.

DON'T: Hum or fucking whistle. Do that in your own kitchen. Then turn on the gas in your oven and stick your head in. Much appreciated.

DON'T: LEAVE YOUR FUCKING BAND-AIDS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOWER! Nobody wants to see that nasty shit let alone touch it. It came off of your body, be a FUCKING man and throw it away. For the love of hate, I hope all your children are stillborn and your wife fucking kills you with a butcher knife while you're wide awake on your birthday.

DO: Say goodbye to people as you leave.

DO: Go ahead and hit on the cute counter girl again. It will make her feel special inside, and help you gain a little confidence in yourself after a good workout.

DO: Buy a protein shake, energy bar or whatever.

DO: Toss your used towel in the towel bin. Thanks!

DON'T: Make leaving a gym a scene. This isn't Cheers, nobody knows your name and nobody gives a shit if you live or die. Actually, they do. Kill yourself.

DON'T: Expunge your knowledge of protein and nutrition onto others. You don't know anything you slugbrain.

DON'T: Miss your hook shot and leave the towel next to the bin. Quit feeling entitled and fucking clean up after yourself, you worthless shitbrained slob.

DON'T: Forget to wear a smile on your way out! You just exercised, let the endorphins kick in and feel the burn!

Thanks everybody! I hope you can enjoy your workouts, and help others enjoy theirs as well. Happy heart monitoring!