My Dream Date with Mike Faerber

As you may or may not know, I have been silently stalking Points in Case's own Mike Faerber. PIC stalking, Facebook stalking, even a little bit of the “click on his screen name on Facebook and see his away message to see what he's doing with out actually talking to him” stalking… harmless, normal things like that. And through this stalking, I have learned that I not only have an internet crush, but I'm in straight up internet love. I’m talking head over heels, real deal, World Series kind of internet love! I mean, a man who can write, likes to dance around in his underwear, and has a full body of hair? How could I not be smitten?

After revealing this tidbit of semi-humiliating information to my cousin, she decided I needed to get drunk and let Mike know—through Facebook of course. So we did, and he quickly turned down my craziness, and that was that… for a little while.

Now, because I continue having vivid shower dreams (the ones where I make things up in my head in the shower, and then tell people “it just came out of no where”), I have decided that I want go on a date with this character. We're perfect for each other on the internet, why not in real life? So, I will now share with you my shower dream: My Dream Date with Mike Faerber.

The Setup

First, I’ll ask him out. He should ask me out, you say, but that would be easier if he knew exactly who I was, and I'm just not willing to wait that long. So I get on the FB, and type out this little ditty:

Pre-Date Strategy

To prepare, I will spend hours primping and prepping myself, tucking my saggy fun bags into my dress and making sure Mike can't see the crazy hiding under my mask of makeup. Obviously I’ll wear something hot and alluring, in an attempt to not only score the heart of one Mike Faerber, but to score free drinks from some unsuspecting male victim at the bar if he turns out to be a grade A loser. Girl's gotta get her buzz somehow, right?

For Mike to prepare, he changes his underwear, because he likes to be fresh.

The Date, Finally!

Mike picks me up in his mom's 1993 GM Safari van, complete with built-in VHS player and reclining seats (just in case things get hot). I merrily skip my thunder thighs and jelly-jiggle ass to the front door and see Mike standing there, tequila bottle in hand, with only a little bit already gone! He is definitely my type of guy. We hop in the van and speed off into the sunset, only swerving a little bit, because as Mike puts it, “There was something in the road and I want to be kind to animals.” Isn’t he dreamy?

Mike takes us to a local restaurant, a classy Mexican place called “El Taco Bell.” I trick myself into thinking that's Spanish for “Really Fun and Amazing.” Mike orders everything on the “Peso menu” and tells me I can get whatever I want under three dollars! I'm not sure yet, but it looks like Mike is going to get a little TLC tonight.

We sit at El Taco Bell for hours, talking and laughing, occasionally taking swigs out of the tequila bottle. Mikey-bear (true stalkers always assign nicknames) is so funny and smart, I think I cream my panties a little when he tells me he plans to take over Court Sullivan's editor job one day! I know that will only lead down the road to fame and money. I can hardly wait to begin planning our Vegas wedding, complete with matching velour jump suits and scrolling word belts!

The Long Goodnight

YES NO