An inedible arrangement of thorny flowers crafted to look like tropical fruits
Perfect for: Sending to that noisy neighbor!
The Simply Edible Boquet, but made with ugly produce whose blemishes are all phallic in nature.
Perfect for: Sending to your ex-fiancé’s father who successfully got her to leave you for someone who was objectively more impressive at the time.
A very tasty, black-magic hexed edition of the Incredible Edible Chocolate Spectacular arrangement. Now, 50% off.
Perfect for: Sending to anyone with whom you have an unfinished score to settle. Like perhaps your classmates who took videos of you vomiting on the back of that horse's neck during your 7th-grade field trip at the farm and continues to email said videos to your family to this day.
The stale crumbs of a 17-year-old turkey sandwich.
Perfect for: Sending to Bobby Robinelle Jr. and his jock posse who shoved you into a locker at the end of school one Friday senior year. The four crumbs are from the sandwich you used for sustenance while you remained cramping in silent mediation within the tiny metal walls of locker 407 all weekend long. The very same locker 407 whose walls you carved the original schematics for the prototype Edible Arrangement basket.
A mound of coriander, sticks, unhatched snake eggs, and a highly camouflaged snake mother.
Perfect for: Sending to your old manager, Mr. Robinelle, who fired you from your first job at CVS because you promised customers coupons in return for participation in your focus groups.
A collection of soggy food scraps you listlessly squirted around the kitchen sink for a while before giving up because you’re too busy plotting your fruit empire’s next big move.
Perfect for: Sending to venture capitalists who shoot down multi-million dollar ideas. Especially ideas like curated fruit bouquets even though you convincingly argued, with tears in your eyes, that it’s the conceptual portmanteau of two things all human beings desire: Fresh fruit and fail-safe non-offensive gift ideas for your boss.
A strawberry cheesecake featuring a screen-printed image of you being the extremely wealthy fruit king you are following the undeniable success of your fruit kingdom which is so vast (locations in 8 countries) that the sun literally only sets on it for 20 minutes a day. The image features a massive marble strawberry lifted heavenward by the Greek god Atlas in the antechamber of your mansion. In the foreground of the cake image, you are seated in a Napoleonic style imperial throne made of fruit baskets. Anyone who once doubted you will surely be sorry for having done so and beg for you to come back into their life, right? Because you proved them wrong! All of them! Right? Right!
Perfect for: Sending to your ex-fiancé who is currently honeymooning in the Florida Keys with her new husband, Bobby Robinelle Jr. Inheritor of multiple CVS franchises and who apparently, against all odds, turned out to be a pretty great guy.