I think we can all agree that, with the exception of cartoons and cooking shows, most stoners rely on a hefty daily helping of The History Channel, Discovery Channel, and the like. I remember my high school days spending hours either too blazed to care about World War II, or just blazed enough to be fascinated by day four of Shark Week. I mean just look at the initials of The History Channel: THC. Coincidence? Probably. However, we are witness to a tragedy, an ongoing savage attack on what little remains of our intellect. The long-held pillars of basic cable knowledge are being fragmented at an astonishing rate. I am of course speaking of the rampant scourge of so-called "reality TV" on channels that have the audacity to continue to call themselves "educational."
Have we become so complacent that even the tiniest bit of information must be drenched in the entertainment version of high fructose corn syrup?We can begin with The History Channel. There was a time not too long ago when you could turn on the television and be swept away in a flood of moderately entertaining and highly informative programming from dawn till dusk. You could start your day with How's It Made, settle into a quiet mid-morning session of Modern Marvels, and top off your Tombstone pizza and Doritos lunch in contemplation of one of the World Wars for the rest of the day, possibly in HD. Unfortunately, those days have gone the way of Crystal Pepsi and Saved by the Bell: gone, forever, never to return. Turn on the TV, and tune to The History Channel. Go ahead I'll wait.
Are you watching? Something tells me you have been whisked away to the tragic world of driving a truck in Alaska, or even worse, into the supposedly necessary world of rednecks trying to catch alligators. Perhaps you're being forced to watch the exploits of illiterate Pacific loggers slicing down the forest in a rapacious attempt to earn a few dollars and punch up the ratings a few points. Just because history repeats itself doesn't mean we need to be subjected to re-runs of Swamp People.
The fact that even history has become a crude sideshow that can only be compared with douchebags fist-pumping in a club doesn't necessarily surprise me, but it does worry me. Have we become so complacent, so reliant on mindless entertainment that requires absolutely no cranial capacity for non-linear thought, that even the tiniest bit of information we gather must be drenched in the entertainment version of high fructose corn syrup? One by one, these are all things we as a society can compensate for, BUT… there is one final offender that is the fourth horseman, the final plague, the mutated anthrax of broadcast television.
Larry the Cable Guy has a TV show. On The History Channel. In primetime.
Please God let this be a live ammo re-enactment…
This is a national emergency—a deed so foul, with such far-reaching consequences, that we as a nation simply cannot afford to ignore it any longer. The official name for this bastard of the airwaves is Only in America: With Larry the Cable Guy, but it should read, "Congratulations retards, there's finally a show you can understand on the smart people channel." Did the MTV and VH1 crowds feel left out? Were they incensed that there were channels that sponsored programming not specifically tailored for people with the educational capacity of a 5th grader? (God forbid Jeff Foxworthy chose to tempt the average layman to run par with a high school education.) Perhaps I'm just bitter, or a jerk, but maybe I just really want to watch something that isn't outright shit!
It was at this junction that I was going to begin my assault on the Discovery Channel, but I think a simple list of their new lineup will knock that point home just fine:
• American Chopper
• American Loggers
• Auction Kings
• Deadliest Catch
• Dual Survival
• Gold Rush Alaska
• Swamp Brothers
• Swamp Loggers
• Swords
• Man vs. Wild
Hopefully you're as terrified as I am. This is the end of the world as we know it, but I'm not feeling fine. Maybe if there was something better on I could deal with Armageddon a little more easily.