Whether your love story is a fantasy, a dystopian daydream, a small-town charmer, a mafia heist honeymoon, a corporate rat race rendezvous, a royal affair, or a football romp—there’s always a spark, a flame, and (9 months later) an epilogue baby.

Because the romance author who wrote your story didn’t quite know how to end their book.

If you’ve picked up Caring for Your Epilogue Baby, congratulations! You and your partner have recently overcome a dramatic third act and arrived at your hard-sought happily-ever-after. All of your troubles are behind you (kind of!) and it’s smooth sailing from here (hopefully!)—so naturally, this was the best time for you to add a child into the mix.

This guide will help your family understand how to prepare for life with your new arrival, whether you’re escaping the mob, ascending the throne, or blending supernatural bloodlines.

Budgeting for Baby

Your bundle of joy will thrive growing up in the charming environment of your small town’s struggling ski lodge. You’re glad you left your high-powered, New York Career to manage the place with your curmudgeonly logger husband (and discovered the true meaning of Christmas along the way). However, you should probably make sure that your business is actually able to turn a profit before adding a dependent.

Remember, currency on your spouse’s isolated planet may be different than what you’re used to! Schedule some time with an interplanetary accountant to go over USD to Døørthian exchange rates before baby comes.

Unexpected pregnancy with your D1 football college beau? Don’t worry, your virile quarterback will definitely be picked up by an NFL team in a city that’s convenient for the both of you. And this just in: he's getting a $25 million signing bonus to play on the same team as his collegiate chosen family, just because. So feel free to splurge for some baby-sized noise canceling headphones—your little last-page cutie pie will need them for daddy’s home games!

Baby-Proofing Your Space

If you are in a post-apocalyptic society, be sure to keep baby as far away from The Plumes as possible. Thankfully, you and your spouse recently took down The Establishment, so your epilogue baby will not have to worry about the annual Cultivation.

Recently evaded the dozens of attempts on your life from your mob boss husband’s rival mafia family? Refrain from announcing the birth of your surprise twins in The New York Times. Best to lie low for at least a week between hits. Safer for baby and mama.

Trust your gut, mommy! Stand your ground with your billionaire baby-daddy: an infant cannot be raised in an infinity pool.

Preparing the Nursery

If you only have access to a cave on the frigid plains of planet Døørth, then make sure baby is kept away from unstable radioactive stalactites. Swaddling baby in the furry pelts of Lowland Ruffkin will ensure they are nice and toasty during The Great Freeze. And don’t forget to cryogenic sleep when baby does!

Weapons have no place in baby’s space. This includes: guns, knives, javelins, maces, and enchanted swords.

Feeding the Baby

It’s never too early to start thinking about baby’s diet! Have an open conversation with your spouse about the benefits of breastfeeding versus taking human blood directly from the major carotid. Remember, fed is best.

Be mindful of what momma’s eating, too. If you and your titled fiancé only narrowly survived the Cholera Epidemic of 1832, steer clear of drinking water directly from Parisian puddles. Avoid rats at all costs in any era—good advice for all you epilogue mommies!

Have an abundance of beautiful, ripe Vermont apples from the picturesque, family-run (your spouse is the brother from Book 3) orchard you stumbled into while attempting to outrun your past? That is irrelevant to baby. No solids for the first six months.

Healthy Home Life

To ensure your child has a balanced upbringing, allow them equal time spent between Mom and Dad’s respective hometowns and cultures. In your case, the 1500s Scottish Highlands and modern day Boston. This is also great for their immune system!

If you have an epilogue baby with your reverse harem, we advise that you do not get a paternity test to avoid infighting among the group.

You and your partner could never get along in the boardroom—but it turns out you could in the bedroom! However, it’s best for baby’s early developmental years if you keep your high-spirited arguments private. Work it out cordially; after all, you two are both CEO now, somehow!

We hope you found these tips helpful for your unique and likely precarious familial situation. For further reading, check out our guides Epilogue Twins, Døørthish for Beginners, and Self-Care Tips for Side Characters Receiving Spin-Off Novels.