1. No matter how stocked the fridge is, I never want to eat anything in it.
This is simple: no matter what I want, no matter if I have it, I'd still rather eat out. I could have everything to make tacos, but I end up going to "El Monterrey" instead. I've never figured this out, but I've learned not to fight it.
2. Oh yeah you stupid redneck, how do you think the Native Americans feel?
"I ain't pressin' no goddamned 1 for English. Y'all muthafuckers needs to be speaking American, yahear." Let me explain this for you: before your father-uncle screwed your grandmother-mother, you were Southerners. Before that you were Pilgrims, before that you were British, before that probably Greek, before that most likely Mesopotamian, and before that, African. ("Tha fuck you ‘jis say?")
Around the time your inbred family members were Mesopotamian hunter-gatherers, there were these other hunter-gatherers called….well, who the fuck knows what they called themselves, but we now know them as "Native Americans." Then your crooked-toothed ancestors from across the pond came over and took their shit, treated them like ass, and raped them of their land. Hell, if anything it should be "Press 1 for Choctaw, 2 for Seminole, 3 for Mi'gmaq…."
3. I can never remember to honk.
Go ahead and let it all out. That's what enclosed spaces are for.Some stupid fuck will cut me off or do some other act of vehicular idiocy and I never remember to honk. Don't get me wrong, I flick the bird and scream, "HEY FUCK-KNUCKLES, get the fuck out of my fucking way you sonofabitch!!" but my windows are up. I hate that I can't remember to honk in time.
Then 15 seconds later when this fuck is a quarter mile ahead of me I remember and honk. Then some jackass in a minivan is looking at me like I have a scrotum attached to my forehead because I ended up honking at them. BUT, when I do remember to honk at the opportune time, damn is it rewarding. (I bet if I lived in Miami I'd never miss an opportunity to honk.)
4. I love my iPhone, but c'mon, quit posting the same shit three times in a row.
I don't know if it's just my phone, or all iPhones, but when I post a comment/status on Facebook it always seems to freeze. Then I cancel, resubmit…. freeze…. cancel…. resubmit…. freeze… cancel…. ah fuck it, close the app. Re-open Facebook and it says "Martin Stanley really wants Del Taco. really wants Del Taco. really wants Del Taco." And of course you can't delete from the iPhone so it just sits there until the next day with three repeats and four different friends all commenting "Oh, I guess Marty REALLY wants Del Taco."
4. I love my iPhone, but c'mon, quit posting the same shit three times in a row.
I don't know if it's just my phone, or all iPhones, but when I post a comment/status on Facebook it always seems to freeze. Then I cancel, resubmit…. freeze…. cancel…. resubmit…. freeze… cancel…. ah fuck it, close the app. Re-open Facebook and it says "Martin Stanley really wants Del Taco. really wants Del Taco. really wants Del Taco." And of course you can't delete from the iPhone so it just sits there until the next day with three repeats and four different friends all commenting "Oh, I guess Marty REALLY wants Del Taco."
4. I love my iPhone, but c'mon, quit posting the same shit three times in a row.
I don't know if it's just my phone, or all iPhones, but when I post a comment/status on Facebook it always seems to freeze. Then I cancel, resubmit…. freeze…. cancel…. resubmit…. freeze… cancel…. ah fuck it, close the app. Re-open Facebook and it says "Martin Stanley really wants Del Taco. really wants Del Taco. really wants Del Taco." And of course you can't delete from the iPhone so it just sits there until the next day with three repeats and four different friends all commenting "Oh, I guess Marty REALLY wants Del Taco."
5. I've requested PTO just to sleep in.
Yup.
6. I doubt the world will end in 2012, but in case it does, I plan to be totally fucked up.
I know it's not going to happen, but like I said, just in case, I'm going to be totally shit-faced. If I end up being the first human that were to make contact with the first extra terrestrial being, they'd just look at me and say "ahhellnoculero" ("Oh hell naw culero, this shit ain't worth it, mang." [Really dude? Mexican aliens…that's weak]). I think this is just an excuse for drinkers around the world to throw a massive party and get completely wasted. But if you're a serious drinker, any given Tuesday is a good enough excuse to get wasted. Booyah!
7. Light mayonnaise is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
More like, "Brings out the worst, by taking out the best."What the fuck is this? It's like hoping to have a mild heart attack, or a "light" stroke. This is my theory: eat the regular mayonnaise and then park in the back of the parking lot, and take the stairs. These morons who eat diet everything then circle a parking lot like a fucking shark to get the first spot next to the handicap space are simply that: morons. "Oh, I'm on a diet, and I'm going to lose weight, all the while still being a lazy fuck." Light mayonnaise? What's next, half-calorie Twinkies?
8. I secretly listen to techno in the daytime.
I know, I know. If you listen to techno in the daytime, well, that is about the dumbest thing ever. You really do look like an ass jamming out to DJ So-N-So at 5:15pm, but….there is something about techno that makes the ride seem that much faster. It's like one long-ass song. I could listen to classic rock on the way home (which is what I did prior to the discovery of the XM button in my truck) and the songs were great, but it felt so long. Then I found XM81 BPM. My 45-minute ride turns into nh-ssst, nh-ssst, nh-ssst, BASS, nh-ssst, nh-ssst, nh-ssst, BASS…..BASS, nh-ssst, nh-ssst…. Oh shit I'm home!
9. I never let my friends drive home drunk… unless they assure me they're "cool."
Seriously, this one is kinda fucked up. But, we all do it. And don't say you don't, ‘cause you do.
"Dude… dude… there is like… no way I can let you drive home…. You're fucking hammered, man."
"Nah, nah, I got this….I'm cool man."
"Oh… in that case I'll see you Monday."
Yeah… you know you've done this.
10. What the fuck is the point of morning wood?
This is just awkward. As if your dick is so excited about waking up, "WELL HELLO!!!!" And it's not like you can play it off or anything. "Hey, hey look… I taught my penis a new trick. ‘Point at the ceiling… point at the ceiling… good penis.'" Yeah, that just doesn't work. Then when you get out of bed you have to do that weird "hands in your underwear" walk to the bathroom. Your girlfriend looks at you like, "Really, are you whacking off on the way to pee?" "Uh, no… I'm just…. uh, I'm just tapping my nuts. It helps me wake up." And if you have to piss with morning wood you might as well just go in the backyard. I swear, in my next house I'm going to hang a bathtub on the wall and use it as a floor-to-ceiling urinal.
11. Sometimes I'm so fucking lazy that I won't even finis