Family Members, Ranked

8. The Nephew Whose Whole Thing Is Being Cool

We all went through this phase in high school where we got a leather jacket, listened to the B-side of a Radiohead record, and thought we were deep. It’s just annoying to have a walking Bukwoski novel tell you to pass the greens while vaping. It’s not that cool, you have lung cancer. Call your mom back, she's worried about you.

7. Woke Cousin From The Rich Side Of Family

Finds Aladdin problematic, but not the monthly check from her parents to furnish her lavish apartment in Dumbo. Please spare us the annual lecture about ethical fashion, we are trying to watch the Puppy Bowl and you’re ruining the vibe. Also, my wardrobe is staying H&M until I meet a sugar daddy.

6. Conservative Uncle

Won’t help out in the kitchen but loves stirring the pot! No, I don’t think ____ is the problem with this country. You gotta stop getting all your info from the dark crevices of WhatsApp threads. Do us all a favor and become one of those silent, brooding old men that never speaks unless it’s to offer wisdom about the age of a bottle of Scotch.

5. Gen Z Niece

Is being followed by Zendaya which she has already mentioned fifteen times. She took a picture of the pie I made and it got 463 likes, what the hell? My face hasn’t even gotten that many. Is Apple Pie more fuckable than me? Can’t go down this rabbit hole again. A part of me hates her but getting on her Tik Tok is my only shot at fame!

4. Overly Polite White Boyfriend Of Cousin

None of us can tell if he has a personality but he seems to like our cousin a lot because he is trying very hard to impress the fam. He made a joke about how it’s not “chai tea” which won him a few points. All I’m saying is, if he’s gonna have white guilt, it might as well go towards doing all the dishes and cleaning the table. If his white guilt gets me an extra costly sweater, I wouldn’t be mad either.

3. Cousin I Have One Thing In Common With

We only talk about Succession because, despite sharing genes, we have no shared interests. After we recite the same three recycled opinions, one of us will excuse ourselves to get more food. It’s the perfect amount of social interaction.

2. Head Bitch In Charge Grandma

She has endured decades of misogyny and immigrant hazing so now she gets to control the TV. That means Bollywood soap operas for four straight days! Honestly, I can only dream of having the confidence to sit in a sari at 80 years old, chew tobacco, and yell at the main character in a holiday movie.