We all know them. We see them all the time: in class, at parties, walking along the streets near Mooby's. They're the fat chicks, and though not all of them have the malaise I will discuss today, far too many suffer what many psychologists know as Fat Chick Syndrome.
You will generally hear FCS sufferers (also known as Big Bitch Disorder) far before you see them, which is saying a lot, since they are fairly easy to spot. Usually surrounded by two or three Barbie-esque women (except unlike Barbie they actually have full working vaginas), the FCS patient will usually wear black shirts and denim since she doesn't realize that such a disguise only works to a point. Take care to try and spot the oil-drilling stiletto heels.
As you or your friend approach this booby trap (pun very much intended), you will immediately be judged. No matter what subject of conversation you try to have with any of the hot friends, this poor, neglected FCS victim will somehow become the main participant of the conversation. She will either do everything to agree with you in order to establish some sort of connection and common ground, or she will disagree with you on every point in an attempt to spread her obese misery on you, her friends, and everyone within earshot.
Don't fear these gentile giants, my friends. Handling them requires one of two things: great patience or a chubby-chasing friend—your own Ahab willing to take down Moby. The latter is self explanatory, but the former can be alleviated a bit. Note that direct confrontation with a fat chick, while generally hilarious to you and your compatriots, will decimate your chances with any of her friends. Instead, sit back and observe. Learn her habits, know both her weaknesses and her strengths. Then use her strengths to your advantage.
If she wants to talk, let her. She can guide the conversation, and as she does, you merely get her attractive friend involved in the conversation. The BBW wants to talk for the next ten minutes about how awesome some movie was, so you let her, and at an opportune time, you ask her friend about movies. Now, you can try to focus the conversation on the pretty one, your unicorn. Prepare to realign conversations in this fashion several times. Beware, however, of the dreaded pack bathroom break. It may be beneficial if the big one leaves, but if you are stuck with her, she may move a chair closer to you, and without a free chair next to you, you'll probably have to abandon ship without a life vest.
One should not blame these women for their condition; it really isn't their fault. Social neglect is the main cause of FCS, and it's sad to say that men are often the major contributors to this. When one of these women is with one or more smoking hot women, who do we give the attention to? Don't deny the facts; we eyeball the hell out of the hot ones. This automatic reaction, be it conscious or not, tends to leave the bigger women feeling unimportant, unwanted. They themselves might not even realize these bitter feelings, even deny that they care, but they do. So what happens? FCS happens. They compensate, trying not to steal the spotlight, but to merely share it with their friends. Unfortunately, FCS is the end result of unconscious overcompensation, and ends up further alienating them from people. It can spiral into something not even bourbon can cure, and not even Kyle the rampant chubby-chaser is willing to deal with, regardless of how much he likes to feel like he is scrumping a water bed.
There is no known cure for FCS. There is a treatment, but it will never be fully cured. The treatment, known to radical doctors as “jogging,” will take time, dedication, and understanding from us. Beware, however, that treatment may result in CHD, or Cuntish Hottie Disease, which is more tolerable for a night or two but not in the long term. We can discuss this second horrid malady at a later date, but be aware that when one jumps from FCS to CHD, people generally wish upon this obnoxious attention whore nothing but loneliness and socially inept children.