We’ve all seen the reports over the years of the disasters at Jurassic Park and Jurassic World. I know from experience: when I was a kid, my grandpa John Hammond brought me and my sister to the original Jurassic Park, where we were nearly killed by dinosaurs—but also by my grandfather’s hubris.
Well, I've learned from his mistakes. I love dinosaurs, and I believe you deserve a dinosaur park where you and your family won’t be attacked by vicious predators. That’s why I founded Prehistoric Park!
At Prehistoric Park, we’ve used the same remarkable genetic science that Jurassic Park uses to make dinosaurs. But instead of the dangerous, unethical practice of cloning once-extinct dinosaurs, our exhibits are human clones who pretend to be dinosaurs.
Our Stegosaurus, our Raptors, even our mighty T-Rex, are all harmless, illiterate people, each one raised from birth and trained by our paleontologists to act like dinosaurs. They're dressed up as dinosaurs, and they're good at mimicking the movements of dinosaurs, but they're just people—so they can't stomp on you, or chase you down in your Jeep and flip it over.
The roars you hear from our dinosaurs? They’re not big, scary roars! They’re people roaring, so it’s not too loud or frightening. Not all of them are even roars, a lot of times it’s just someone saying the word “roar!”
We still keep them locked up, that way you get that same “dinosaur zoo” experience. But you don’t have to be scared of them breaking free and going on a rampage. They’re not that strong—they’re just people!
So your family can put all worries out of your mind, and enjoy the wondrous sight of a 20-year-old hunched over, walking around like a raptor. Or the majesty of two guys who were raised in captivity to live in a triceratops costume. And our mighty T-Rex: a very tall man who eats raw cow—but with a T-Rex mask on!
That's Prehistoric Park!
Mayday! This is an emergency message from Prehistoric Park!
The cloned humans have escaped! A storm knocked out power to the electric fences and now the human clones are attacking the guests, like dinosaurs would! It’s all they know! It’s not as deadly as a real dinosaur attack, but it's still bad!
Help us! We have no way of catching them because we don't have guns or nets—we never thought they'd be a threat! They're just people, we figured, we can handle people. Before they escaped, all we had to do was push them around to get them to do what we wanted.
But now they are wreaking havoc—very mildly! They're chasing the guests, and the guests are getting away, but still, it's in the rain and mud, so it’s not enjoyable at all! Because they do bite you, but only when they catch up to you, which they sometimes do!
…Oh God, one just got in here—somehow it’s learned to open doors! Who taught you to use your hands like a person?!
It’s been seven days of this terrible exercise in hubris, and the cloned people who act like dinosaurs—they've adapted. They've learned. They've taken off their dinosaur costumes, and have put on clothes. And they blend in now with the rest of us. So there are times you think you're talking with a regular person, who just isn't talking back at all, then suddenly, bam! They try to chomp you! Then you gotta run for ten minutes or so to get away from them! It's getting tiring. No fatalities so far.
As bad as it is, the worst part are the lectures I get from the Dr. Alan Grant I cloned—yes, I cloned him, because I love him, OK?—about how nature never intended for humans to exist alongside people who pretend to be dinosaurs. It’s like, I cloned you to be my best friend, not give me ethics lessons!
We will get Prehistoric Park back online—the cloned people who act like dinosaurs, we're gonna get them back behind those fences, and back into those costumes. This park will not be the failure that Jurassic Park is!
Day ten: Bad news to report, of course! The cloned people who act like dinosaurs got into our science labs and they learned to clone dinosaurs! With that Mr. DNA show playing on a loop it wasn't hard for them to figure out. But now they can’t control the dinosaurs like they thought, so obviously the dinosaurs are now out attacking people.
So yep: It's the Jurassic Park scenario! The whole thing we were trying to avoid!
To make matters worse, all of our park guests at first glance think that anything that looks like a dinosaur is just a cloned person in a dinosaur costume. So the guests are getting eaten faster than they would have at Jurassic Park!
The arrogance of these cloned people who pretended to be dinosaurs, then pretended to be people: they were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should!
How did this catastrophe happen? All I wanted to do was educate people about dinosaurs and entertain them. And use the forced labor of cloned humans to do it. Is that so wrong?
The park is no longer worth saving. Please, send a rescue mission—but don't be fooled: do not save cloned people who are acting like people when they are supposed to be acting like dinosaurs. And don’t save any dinosaurs: they are dangerous. And try not to save any dinosaurs in people clothing and that are acting like people—a few of them are starting to do this!