By contributing writer J.M. Lucci
Your body, for better or worse, operates like a corporation. Every organ in your body works based on a hierarchy of needs and desires, and the body regularly holds lengthy meetings to decide upon what you consciously perceive to be simple decisions: brushing your teeth, fleeing the police, banging a fat chick when other opportunities fall through (though to you, it only feels like a few seconds). They’re just like real-life office meetings, except without free donuts and coffee. The organs also hold emergency meetings—when tough calls need to be made on the fly—and review meetings, to figure out ways of improving performance within the company. I mean body.
There are power players, as is true of any private company. Brain is a control freak. Penis only thinks of himself. Appendix and Tonsils are on the chopping block, and they’ve stopped doing work in favor of being lazy and taking up precious cubicle space. Hand and Hand are the office whores. We all know why.
Let’s look at a few examples of typical meetings and debates faced by the average-collegiate-male’s body on an ordinary Friday.
8:47 AM
Meeting to Discuss Possibility of Going to Classes Today
Brain: Alright everyone, let’s keep this brief.
Penis: Why do we even bother going to class? It’s not like they’ve done you any good.
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Brain: To maintain a sense of discipline. Something you and Hands don’t seem to have.
Penis: Touché.
Brain: Okay, so what’s on the agenda for today?
Eyes: According to the class schedule on the wall, we have a writing class and a marketing class, both back-to-back starting at 9AM. Since we’re already up, we might as well go.
Tongue: Conversely, we could start drinking.
Liver: I don’t feel like doing work until later.
Tongue: That’s up to Hands, not you.
Liver: You want me to get Stomach on the line? He’ll regurgitate anything you try to shove into me, guaranteed.
Tongue: Fine, whatever. No drinking until later.
Brain: So we’re going to class, then?
Penis: Hell no. I just got off the phone with Hands, and he’s already gotten started on a masturbation marathon. Eyes, care to join us?
Eyes: Always.
9:02 AM
Meeting to Examine Virility Issues with Penis
Penis: One down.
Brain: Penis, I have Testes on the line. Lemme put him on speakerphone. Testes? You there?
Testes: I’m here, Brain.
Brain: Great. I also have Penis, Eyes, and Tongue with me in the room. Can you tell Penis what you told me a few minutes ago?
Testes: Sure. Penis, look, I know you and Hands are working on a marathon, but I gotta tell ya, I’m not so enthusiastic with the plan. I mean, have you thought about what might happen later tonight if you burn out this early?
Penis: Oh damn! I forgot all about tonight. There could be willing clients at the bar, and I’d hate to disappoint them. Yeah, Testes, you’re right. I’ll call Hands and tell him to stop jerking until further notice. Thanks for the heads up, Testes.
Testes: Anytime, Penis. Just thinking about the greater good of the body.
Penis: Right on, you take care.
Brain: We can still make it to class today, if only a few minutes late.
Eyes: I’d rather watch cable.
Brain: Well, since we cleared the schedule anyway, might as well. Good Times, anyone?
7:30 PM
Meeting to Determine Drinking Parameters for the Night
Brain: This is more for the bureaucrats than anything else.
Liver: As usual, I’ll go all the way until I can’t take any more.
Eyes: I’ll coordinate with Legs and make sure we don’t stumble into the fire station again. That poor dog…
1:06 AM
Emergency Meeting to Investigate the Possibility of Hooking Up with Potential Mate #34
Brain: Thank you all for coming on such short notice. Hey, I don’t see Bladder. Anyone know where Bladder is?
Pancreas: I think he’s trying to handle a potential leak in the Import/Export Department.
Brain: Alright, whatever. We have Eyes and Hands on speakerphone, since they’re working on-site with some systems stability problems. This meeting is to discuss how we should approach hooking up with Potential Mate #34. Eyes, have any details on our potential client?
Eyes: I did some preliminary research, and it appears to be a blonde model. Fatty add-ons from two semesters of stress and lack of exercise has pushed this model slightly above the acceptable standards set at last week’s Annual Hook-Up Standards and Practices Review Board, but nothing we should be worried about.
Brain: And the face?
Eyes: Within acceptable limits, if not slightly above average. She appears to have DSLs installed as well.
Penis: Always good news.
Eyes: Indeed. However, we do have to take into consideration the “Beer Goggles” factor, as Liver is reporting a 65% processing capacity. My data may not be 100% accurate because of this. I recommend another client.
Penis: I’m willing to take a chance with this one.
Eyes: You would take that chance, because you don’t have to watch!
Penis: Brown-bag if you have to, damn. Stop ruining my fun because you have a problem with standard procedure.
Eyes: If you were bigger, we wouldn’t have to go with that position every time.
Penis: Lick my shaft.
Tongue: Hey, I would if Spine wasn’t so stiff.
Spine: I’m working on that.
Eyes: Isn’t that the opposite of your problem, Penis?
Penis: Go stare at the sun, asshole.
Colon: I resent that.
Brain: Enough! This isn’t the time to bicker over internal problems! We need to decide on an approach strategy for PM #34. Suggestions?
Penis: Rough and rowdy in the bar bathroom.
Testes: If I may interject?
Brain: Yes, go ahead Testes.
Testes: Let’s get Hands to upgrade the Money-For-Beer program, and Tongue and Mouth can upload “Hook-Up Lines” version 2.3 into the active spreadsheets of Speech. Over the course of an hour or two, we should be able to solidify a quickie deal in the parking lot, all things considered.
Brain: Excellent idea, Testes. All in favor of this plan, yay or nay?
All: Yay.
Brain: Alright, step to it, people! Last call is in less than an hour!
8:24 AM
Review Meeting to Discuss Results of PM #34 and Efficiency of Testes’ Plan
Brain: Good morning, everybody. I trust things went smoothly last night? I blacked out when Liver hit maximum processing capacity and shut down temporarily.
Eyes: From what I saw, we were successful in implementing Testes’ plan.
Penis: Testes and I scored big time with that deal. Hey, where is Testes?
Colon: I heard he called in sick.
Ears: Really? I didn’t.
Brain: Well, can someone locate him?
Eyes: I found him. Ugh, looks like he’s got a bruise or something on his belly.
Immune System: Sorry to interrupt, but we may have a problem. Brain, can I see you in my office, immediately?