Getting to Know Your Middle School Student Government Candidates

Stafton Middle School’s Relationship With Pizza Hut in Providing Lunch Every Tuesday

Donald Harrison: As nephew to the manager of the Oak Street Pizza Hut franchise, and the third-in-line heir to the parlor after his two girl cousins, Harrison has every reason to support a renewal of Pizza Hut’s annual contract. While he tries to sweep his family ties under the rug, Donnie has been overheard during Tuesday lunches daring his friends to a “pizza-eating contest, loser has to sniff the winner’s butt farts.”

Sammy Stevens: Sammy has gone to great lengths to expose the corruption of Pizza Hut and Mr. Harrison’s close personal and working relationship with them. Miss Stevens employed her two right-hand aides, BFFs Courtney and Liz, to gossip loudly about Harrison’s ties to the chain restaurant at Friday night football games. Stevens’ disdain for the franchise goes back to November 2019, when in an effort to prove she could be “one of the guys,” she participated in Donnie’s pizza eating contest. After throwing up, like, all over the lunch table, Stevens now shuns corporations like Pizza Hut and encourages students to dine local.

Proposed Theme for the Upcoming Winter Dance

DH: Harrison has devoted the majority of his campaign fighting to secure a beach-themed winter dance. The campaign began this past summer at a sleepover at Donnie’s, where he was able to secure a copy of Girls Gone Wild from his older brother Jeffrey. In an effort to target the 13-year-old, suburban male student population, Harrison presented the film to his boys Brody, Mike, and Seth as a test group before AirDropping the file to the rest of the student body. According to recent polling of the girls’ lunch tables, they reportedly were “super grossed out” and thought the boys were “like, perverted,” but were later found giggling about wearing two-pieces in winter.

SS: While Stevens hasn’t announced her views on a winter dance publicly just yet, lunch line rumors are swirling she is intentionally dragging her feet because she wants to implement a My Little Pony winter dance theme, the most radical theme to date in Stafton Middle School history. Those close to Stevens—in particular Chris Z, who sits at the same table in art class—revealed Sammy knows the student body would disapprove of such a theme, and wants to keep her views secret until she’s elected.

8th Graders Bus Seating Dibs

DH: As a frequent back row seater and current 7th grader, Harrison would support a “ya snooze, ya lose” ideology on bus seating dibs. In his defense of a cool kids section of the bus, notably the three back rows, Harrison was overheard in the boys’ locker room before gym class: “It shouldn’t matter if you’re in 8th grade, 7th grade, or even 6th grade. If you’re cool, you’re cool. And only cool kids should be able to get bus seat preferences, even if you’ve been at this school longer and stuff.”

SS: Meanwhile, Stevens is unabashedly pro-8th grade seating dibs. Stevens implemented a high-profile smear campaign at the beginning of the school year, hanging up posters with Harrison’s image in the back row bus seats with the slogan “DONNIE DIDN’T EARN THIS.” Stevens was recently quoted in a bathroom wall writing, “An anarchist system is gonna happen if we don’t care about back row bus seat dibs anymore.” Stevens’ passion for 8th grade dibs can be tied to her older sister, Sydney, who was recently stripped of her back row privileges after it was leaked she still allows her mom to pick out her clothes.

Boy-Girl Groups on Class Field Trips

DH: Donald enthusiastically thinks boys and girls should be in the same group. His views evolved after his bout with a deadly strain of cooties in 3rd grade after Mark Williams’ pool party. Having boys and girls learn about dinosaur fossils together enriches field trips, especially if his crush Brittany Carney is in the same group.

SS: Her reaction to boys and girls in the same group? “Ewwwwww!” Stevens has publicly called Harrison a cooties denier even though his mom made him stay home for an entire week because of it. Overall, she believes boys are a distraction and destroy the field trip experience, especially when you’re learning about the solar system at the planetarium. She insists boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, while believing girls go to college to get more knowledge.

Sharing a Locker with Other Students

DH: Donald doesn’t believe schools should be forcing students to share lockers. During a recent 5-minute cigarette break for the teacher, he expressed his outrage about the school overstepping their power like removing all of the candy out of the vending machines and putting in protein bars. He says each student should have a locker to themselves so they can kiss their posters of their celebrity crushes before heading to 3rd period math.

SS: She believes sharing lockers will help curb the widespread act of stuffing nerds inside lockers for the entire school day as well as making sure the janitors spend more time cleaning up pizza vomit from the lunch table. Posters of teen heartthrobs should stay out of the locker and be kept at home above your bed to kiss every night as there’s no room for PDA in middle school unless it’s hugging your friends after not seeing them for a period.