Girlfriend Wanted | Points in Case

Greetings and hello. My name is Drek Z. Krockenbrocker-zodderstone the 5th, but my friends call me…Kain. I am a recently single and strapping young man, aged 48, and I am currently looking for a girlfriend.

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES:

I am a confident and strong-willed person who has very high self-esteem. In fact, my self-esteem is so high that I don't feel the need to be part of society. I don't care what other people think, and I also don't let other people define me with their faulty human judgment. Besides, I know I'm cool because my mom told me so…before she kicked me out of the house.

I am a free-thinker. One could say that I "think outside the box." But I also think outside of circles, ovals, cylinders, triangles, rectangles, trapezoids, hexagons, pentagons, octagons, cubes, spheres, rectangular prisms, pyramids, cones, and pretty much anything else that has lines and is closed. What this basically means is that I do not feel the need to have a job or a career of any sort. This will be a good thing for you because it means that you will be able to hang out with me all day long. In other words, you will never feel that we aren't spending enough time together because of our jobs.

EDUCATION:

I once wrote a very long paper titled "The True Nature of Substantial Insubstantiality." The paper actually contained two thesis statements that contradicted each other.If you date me, you will be with a highly intelligent and well-lettered man. I never really went to school, but I spent many years thinking about lots of stuff…and as a result, I know lots of things about stuff. I have also read some books about things that increased my knowledge about the stuff I already knew. These are things that many people probably don't think about. Rest assured, I have lots of stuff I can talk about…so there will never be a dull moment.

You may also be interested to know that I once wrote a very long paper titled "The True Nature of Substantial Insubstantiality." The paper actually contained two thesis statements that contradicted each other. As a result, I was given the "Most Interesting Patient" award by St. Jude's Hospital. If you don't believe me, you can take the electronic collar that I used to wear on my neck and run it through the scanner at St. Jude's. My entire record will come up…along with all the papers I wrote about Outer Space.

HOBBIES:

I currently enjoy scab collecting, exotic lizard dissection, and condemned housing exploration. And while some people enjoy long walks on the beach, I pride myself of being different: I enjoy long walks on the narrow, dirty path that goes past the local tire factory and into the forest that everyone claims is haunted. Sometimes I stay there for several weeks at a time.

I often like to purchase a fake airline ticket and sit at the local airport all day long. I do this so that I can stare at people and wonder where they are going…and what they are going to do when they get there. Sometimes, I take their pictures when they are not looking and write pretend stories about them.

Usually (when I'm alone) I write very lengthy love letters to women I wish I had dated…but never did. Then I burn all the letters just to prove that I am a strong person who knows how to move on with his life. Then I drink a 12-pack of beer.

You'll also be happy to know that I like to write poetry. Here is a poem I wrote this morning:

Yesterday, I was feeling blue…
So, I decided to sniff some glue…
I like to eat beef stew…
And then wash it down with Mountain Dew…
My favorite movie is Superman 2…
Everything I'm saying is very true….
If you don't like this poem, then get a clue…
Because I am a very groovy dude…

RELIGION:

Ladies, never fear. If you date me, you will be able to sleep late on Sunday mornings. You will be relieved of the burden of having to go to church because I am inventing my own religion. When my religion gains full power, I will be known as "King of the Underworld," and if you wish to continue dating me, you will become "Queen of the Underworld." You may be asking yourself how I am going to create this Underworld…

Well, I'll tell you…

Last night, I began digging a hole in my backyard. I didn't get very far because I got too drunk and fell over, but I intend to keep working on it. Eventually, this hole will become an underground maze of interconnected tunnels, roads, and cities. I am going to dig the hole so deep that it goes beneath the ocean floor, and I'm going to make sure that there is an intricate system of tunnels that connect to all the major cities in every country on the Earth's surface. I'm going to let this Underworld develop for many years, and when nobody expects it, we will rise up through the tunnels and take over the surface world, which I have now named…"SLOPWAD" (Surface Land Of People Who Are Dumb)…because they don't live underground.

Also, you should be aware that I often stare at young women between the ages of 18 and 25. Please don't get jealous or upset about this. I am simply considering how they will be useful for my religion.

KING OF THE UNDERWORLD | QUEEN OF THE UNDERWORLD

BACKGROUND:

I was born and raised in Anusberg, Kentucky, but I found that life there was rather shitty. I wanted to explore new areas, so I thrust myself into Vagtown, Ohio. It was a very tight community, and I had some initial difficulty penetrating the social scene. I knew that the people who lived there wouldn't just "bend over" for some stranger. In other words, they would not simply "lay down" their guard and "spread open" the doors of local acceptance for some random guy off the street. So, I maintained an erect posture for as long as I could, and I never went limp when I shook someone's hand. I explored multiple entries as I kept trying to push myself into the public scene, often reminding myself that things can be uncomfortable and slippery when someone is trying to stick themselves into a new area.

Once I had successfully inserted myself into the warm and gripping realm of communal intimacy, I found that there were a few "ups" and "downs." And to be honest, there were times when I felt over-stimulated, and I worried that I would "pull out" too soon. However, I didn't want to shamefully re-enter Anusberg, so I held a firm grip on my confidence. Luckily, my stamina held out, and I came into everything as best as I could. Ultimately, I got off nicely with many of the townsfolk.

PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP:

I had a little bit of trouble with my last girlfriend, Barbara, but I honestly think that the failure of the relationship had more to do with her problems than with mine. One evening, she looked me right in the eyes and said these exact words to me….

"Drek! Even a doorknob serves a purpose!!"

I'm not exactly sure what she meant by that, but I think she was upset with me. Actually, when I reflect on this incident and give it some deep thought, I'm pretty sure she was really angry…because she was gone the next day and she never came back. The only thing she left behind was a note on my refrigerator that said:

"In the name of all that is decent, holy, and true…
And for the sake of all things underneath the sun that are good and pure…
With respect for every living creature that has even an inkling of intelligence…
And for the benefit of all humanity…

I HOPE YOU LIVE A VERY SHORT LIFE!!!"

Now, I don't know about you, but I happen to think that these sound like very angry words. I'm sure you'll agree with me that anyone who would say such mean and cruel things probably has many unresolved personal problems. Regardless, I was devastated, and it took me a VERY LONG TIME to get over her. After about 12 minutes of intense grieving and three cans of Busch Lite, I finally decided that I was ready to move on.

And now that I have mentally and spiritually healed from this incident, I am ready for someone new in my life.