It is January 28, 1999. I am the product of a cesarean section operation. More of a removal than a birth. At the last moment, I shift in the womb and the doctor slices my cheek. My first experience in this world is pain.

It is September 11, 2001. I am two years old. The twin towers fall, and I take no notice of it.

It is August 21, 2004. I am five years old. I find a frog in the woods and eat it raw. I feel nothing. I microwave one and try it. Still nothing.

It is July 10, 2006. I am seven years old. I accidentally walk in on my parents having sex. I show no emotional reaction to it. They rent me the film Over the Hedge from Hastings Entertainment Store, so I’ll be too distracted to interrupt them again. I watch it. My first experience with joy. I smile.

It is May 10, 2008. I am nine years old. I purchase the book Frindle from Hastings Entertainment Store. I read it. My mind grows fat off its teachings. There is no pen, only frindle. I never read another book again.

It is March 23, 2012. I am thirteen years old. I am hanging out at Hastings Entertainment Store. I flip through the posters. It is a half nude Megan Fox. I spend 20 minutes in the restroom. My sexual awakening.

It is November 11, 2014. I am fifteen years old. I take Suzy Macintosh on a first date to Hastings Entertainment Store. We don’t buy anything. I do parkour in the store because I have swag. This impresses her. We get kicked out for knocking stuff over. Epic fail. We share our first kiss. I dive in tongue first. Epic win.

It is October 31, 2016. I am seventeen years old. The last Hastings Entertainment Store closes its doors for good. I am crushed. Nothing else happens that year.

It is May 25, 2017. I am eighteen years old. I am graduating high school. My peers vote me for the title of most clumsy in the yearbook. I pay $95 for a copy. I won't let them see me cry. I close my eyes and picture Hastings Entertainment Store. I smile.

It is July 15, 2020. I am twenty-one years old. Suzy Macintosh and I get married at the courthouse over zoom. I place a ring pop from the Hastings Entertainment Store I had been saving on her finger. She grimaces. I kiss her on the mouth, tongue first.

It is January 31, 2021. I am twenty-two years old. My son is born. I feel nothing at his birth. I pity him. He will know nothing of Hastings Entertainment Store.

It is September 30, 2022. I am twenty-three years old. I take my son out of school because the curriculum won’t teach him about Hastings Entertainment Store. I move my family to a compound of like-minded individuals. We live in a replica Hastings Entertainment Store.

It is August 24, 2024. I am twenty-five years old. I haven’t seen my wife and child in almost two years. The ATF is raiding the compound. I take solace in the fact that I will see my family again one day in the big Hastings Entertainment Store in the sky.

It is February 15, 2025. I am twenty-six years old. President Trump has pardoned me. I haven’t learned my lesson. I will Hastings Entertainment Store again.

It is the current day. I am my current age. I stand at the end of a dock all alone. My arms are outstretched to the green light of an old, abandoned Hastings Entertainment Store across the bay. The eyes of the local proctologist, Doctor T.J. Speckleturd, are upon me from a nearby billboard advertisement bearing his likeness. I am shot and killed by the local mechanic.