The other day, while speaking with my mother (who reads every PIC article and writes in to insult me under the pseudonym, Frank) I told her that I was exhausted for topics. In the eight articles I’ve published so far, I’ve written about drinking, friends with benefits, how to get laid, the gold standard, hurricanes, Las Vegas and even the chick who lived below me in my last apartment.
“I got nothing left here, Mom.”
“Sweety, come on,” she said. “Use that great imagination of yours.”
“Can’t. I destroyed it in college.”
“Okay then, try some of these topics: tattoos and tattoo parlors, coffee shops and bars, pool halls, fellatio, legalized prostitution, sex toys, hate fucking—”
“Mom, you’re a genius. I don’t think anyone’s written the definitive guide to hate fucking. What a great idea. Thanks.”
“That’s what mothers are for. By the way, speaking of sex, when are you gonna have some grandchildren?”
(That’s always my cue to hang up.)
Anyway, hate fucking. Wow, what an awesome topic. There are three major things you need to know about hate fucking: the who, the how and the when. Do not worry about the what (the what is hate fucking) or the why (the why is because you’re a sexual degenerate).
WHO You Can Hate Fuck
You can hate fuck anyone who hates you or whom you hate, but hate fucking is always best when a) you love the sex and she loves the sex and b) you both despise each other. (Mutual consent is key here.) Candidates for hate sex typically include ex-girlfriends, girls who have one of your friends whipped and hate you because you’re always trying to get your friend to grow a pair of balls and go to Disney World on acid, and super-tough-tattoo wearing bitches of the gothic or motorcycle club variety. Really though, you can hate fuck anyone who agrees with the concept, but the aforementioned women are more likely to appreciate a chance to permanently scar you and crack your ribs.
WHEN You Should Hate Fuck
Really, whenever the two of you want, but it works best when you’re right in the middle of a heated argument. Especially if, during the course of that heated argument, you’ve already called her a stupid bitch and those two magical words seemed to lift some of the sexual tension in the room. It really is difficult to know exactly when the right moment is, but trust me, when you’re screaming your head off and she’s calling you an asshole, you’re close. The energy is there; the tension is being lifted by an argument; something’s got to give.
HOW to Hate Fuck
Hate fucking is a motor skill. Just like anything else, you get better with practice. To properly hate fuck, you must verbally lash out at your woman while still having sex with her AND (this is the tricky part) while she verbally lashes out at you. Dishing out the insults is easy: just don’t get too carried away.
Verbally, you want to insult all of each other's life decisions, friends and family. Insult everything from each other's jobs to your bodies to your taste in other people to your mothers—everything. Don’t stop even when the tears start. Now, thrust and pound away. It improves the sex because you've got to really move to feel any pain (and that is one of your goals).
Now, if she’s really good at dishing out verbal abuse, she will enrage you. Be stoic, fellas. You feel nothing. You are the bringer of hate, not the taker of same. Do not let her get under your skin. As I mentioned, this is the hardest part. Do not take anything she says seriously. Like I said, if she’s good at this she will say some things that make you feel very, very, um… small. Be a man or use earplugs. Either way, remember, sticks and stones, right?
In conclusion, I’d just like to give a shout out to my mother, who has reinvigorated my love for writing and provided me with a wealth of topics for the future. You're getting the 1.75 liter bottle of Canadian whiskey this year, Ma.