Your new boyfriend is everything you want out of a man: tall, dark, and handsome, but with a vague sadness behind the eyes that speaks to a lifetime of damage. But while you love him, his withdrawn attitude, dark attire, and obsession with martial arts have you asking a classic question: is he a hitman, or just a hot guy with issues?
1. Does he keep dropping hints about a dark backstory?
Everyone knows that the hottest men are deeply traumatized by their pasts. They often say things like “I was different… back then.” or “I left those shattered pieces of myself behind… behind to BURN.” But if he speaks in hushed tones about “The Order,” “The Society,” or any other organization that sounds like it’s capitalized, it’s time to pack your bags. However, if he mentions The Hamptons with that same level of traumatized gravitas, he just has secret rich parents.
2. Does he have a lot of intricate, poorly-done tattoos on his body?
Tattoos are crucial for rising up in the Russian mafia and getting hella dome in your early 30s. Traditionally speaking, syndicate tattoos have a distinct progression and consistency of design, while hipster tattoos just look like any old shit.
Here’s a general guide to symbology: the eagle head, grinning tiger, and devil with dice for eyes are Russian prison tattoos, while tarot cards, cartoon characters, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers logo are for normal himbos. Dostoyevsky quotes go either way, but are universally red flags.
3. Does he know a lot about guns and swear in Russian?
Hot guys love phallic symbols, and guns are no exception, but some behaviors go beyond a normal Freudian fascination. If he pauses movies to comment on actors' reloading skills, celebrates violent deaths by cursing in Russian, and responds to news about school shootings by asking about the make and model of the gun, it's time to get suspicious.
But while “gangland hitman” is the obvious conclusion, your boyfriend might just be addicted to first-person shooters. Games like Counter Strike and Call of Duty can build knowledge of weapons and foreign curse words, while fostering a general sense of shitheadedness in their players.
3. Does he wear all black and talk in a melancholy manner?
All-black clothes are known for helping hitmen hide in shadows and disguise the many, many gallons of blood they spill in the name of vengeance. But all-black can also be a fashion statement for fans of annoying music. Simply ask your boyfriend about his music tastes. If he’s into industrial, post-punk, death metal, goth-rock, alternative hip hop, hardstyle techno, or “dirty freak jazz”—or if he says his music’s too underground for you—he’s not a hitman.
4. Does he mostly associate with Albanians, Chechens, Bulgarians, Dagestanis, Kazakhs, Hungarians, or any other people of primarily bald and surly nationalities?
There are several types of people that Hollywood has designated as brown enough to be scary, but white enough that it’s not weird to portray them as bad guys.
But just because someone looks like a gun runner doesn’t mean they are a gun runner. Ask your boyfriend if he has ever studied abroad, lived in Queens, or worked for a moving company. If he says yes, you’re probably in the clear.
5. Does he get mysterious calls in the middle of the night, refusing to tell you what they’re about for fear of hurting you?
It’s natural to think the worst: his syndicate is hitting him up to perform one last job, and he refuses to tell you in order to keep you safe from the brutal practices of the Los Quatro Zetas Cartel. The threat is terrifying, but don’t worry! He is probably just cheating on you like a normal guy.
However, be careful when you go through his phone records: “Deep Throat” is almost always the name of an FBI informant.