Hey, really sorry to do this, but I think I caught whatever the wife had last week. I’m using a sick day but if you really need to get a hold of me please feel free to text.
Translation: I am hung over.
Unfortunately, I caught something over the weekend and have been stuck in bed since. I will try to keep an eye on email if I’m feeling better later.
Translation: I’m not sick now, but I was sick over the weekend so I kind of deserve to have the day off to run errands and see a movie. I will not be checking email (unless the movie isn’t good).
I threw out my back yesterday and can’t even move today. I’m going to need to take a sick day.
Translation: My cat is sleeping on my lap and I’d rather lose my job than disturb my comfy little prince.
Unfortunately, my back is even worse today than it was yesterday. I’m going to need another day.
Translation: I finally moved and that jackass bit me so hard that I need stitches.
If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales. It would surely outweigh the sands of the sea! I will be out sick for the rest of the week.
Translation: The new Zelda game was just released.
Gary convinced me the office was closed for Flag Day and I’m just now realizing it was another one of his pranks. I feel so stupid it makes me sick to my stomach. Like, actually sick to my stomach. Oh god, I better take the day off.
Translation: I was not fooled by Gary’s prank (nice try, Gary). But the 7-week coding class I enrolled in to get me out of this dead-end job starts today.
If I should survive today’s malady, I swear to you I will return tomorrow a better man. Please pray for me as I begin this journey of survival.
Also, please tell Jan that the registration reports are due to Mark by COB today.
Translation: The cult I belong to believes the world is going to end today. Nothing we do matters but, dammit, I’ve had to remind Jan to send those reports 10 times now.
I’m so sick that I barely have the strength to send this email. Seriously, I’ve run marathons that were easier than this. Ok, I haven’t run marathons but I did do a half marathon. I really wish I was even feeling well enough to send those reports that were due today but, unfortunately, I am not, due to the half-marathon thing.
Translation: I did not finish any of the stuff that was due today so I’m just going to work from home but pretend like I’m out sick. And if I’m being honest, it was a 5k.
There is no way my car will make it on these icy roads. I also have a flat tire and I think I heard the transmission wheezing. If my seatbelt wasn’t broken, I’d try to make it in, I really would, but I think it’s illegal to drive with a cracked windshield and also the trunk is on fire.
Translation: I don’t have any clean clothes.
I have lost my dear aunt Trisha. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I mourn for the allotted two bereavement days. I will need to take an additional two sick days to fulfill her final wish, which is that I try out the new water slide at the Kalahari Indoor Water Park in the Dells.
I will not have my laptop or access to email on account of all the splishing and splashing I plan to do.
R.I.P. Aunt Trisha!
Translation: Nobody died. I just really want to go to a water park.
I am using a sick day today.
Translation: I’m actually sick.