How to Get Properly Drunk for Your Next Big Party

On the eve of being my younger cousin's confirmation sponsor, I got to thinking about the best ways to celebrate for the young chap. I was unimpressed by the prospect of purchasing a "gift" for him, like some shoddy-ass gold cross he could wear once and then pawn at Cash-For-Gold when he turned 18 and desperately needed to buy some legal porn, guns, and cigarettes. Nor did I want to bestow upon him some religious wisdom or zeal (both of which I have none of) contained in an old book about God or Jesus or whatever. I figured the best way to make him appreciate his confirmation was to get mildly intoxicated before the ceremony and hopefully hit on some legal-aged female confirmation sponsors also in attendance.

But how does one get boozed up properly for a confirmation? One can't simply take eleven Screaming Nazi shots half an hour before the event and go in there all sloppy. A nice mellow red wine buzz is the only way to get drunk before a confirmation. Sure, the "cool" confirmation sponsors might be sharing a bottle of Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy in the church parking lot before they head in, but you'll be the last one laughing when the sacramental wine easily extends your buzz and provides an excuse for your wine breath post-confirmation.

1. Best Friend's Birthday Party (Girl)

This is a special day for your friend, and the only way to really make her comfortable and happy is to get hammered with or without them. If you're a girl, you probably have (and secretly hate) a best friend who wants you to take every shot or drink with them. This presents a problem, because your friend is most likely a lightweight and she'll end up blowing a dude before you can start to feel "normal."

So before your friend starts blowing me (see what I did there? I made myself "the dude" that your friend is blowing), introduce her to champagne cocktails. Champagne is good for all occasions, but it's most effective for a young lady's birthday extravaganza. Drink at least a bottle each of cheapass champagne before guests arrive or before going to the destination of choice, and mix it with special ingredients.

2. Best Friend's Birthday Party (Dude)

Convince your friend that the only way to celebrate his birthday and prove his manhood to you is to become incoherent for his birthday party. Join him. Wake up tomorrow and get breakfast, all the while trying to recall last night's event.

3. Friend-of-a-Friend's Birthday Party

Because you probably have no liability at this event, and you are more than likely going to be a stranger to everyone there, you'll need lots of "momentum" heading into this one. Being noticeably drunk upon entrance is the only way to impress these potential new friends. The friend who is bringing you to the party should drive, because he's the dick for dragging you to this shitty party.

4. Funeral/Wake

On such a sad occasion, you need to make sure your drinking displays despair and perhaps a philosophical contemplative quality, which a viewer can imagine translates to your stirred-up notions on life and death as a result of the funeral. In keeping with funeral attire, all of your drinks should be black. Make sure to cry when you get drunk enough, potentially during the ceremony, and make the event more about your out-of-control emotions than the life and death of a loved one.

5. Company Christmas Party

Oh the classic "get too drunk around co-workers" party. Contrary to popular belief, there is a proper way to get drunk at these events, and it doesn't involve the typical Christmas drinks. Egg nog, mulled wine, rum toddies, ughh. I always assumed that drinking was supposed to make you feel weightless and invincible, and all those heavy Christmas drinks won't cut it. No, you're going to be the intoxicated star of the party, hanging high above the heads of all those weighed down losers full on sugar and cream. But you want to be festive as well, correct? Festive and totally sauced out of your dome? Done and done.

Some key points about getting drunk at this event: make sure to wear a Christmas tie that ends up around your head at some point (the hot chick at work thinks that look is so fuckable btw); don't be afraid to tell everyone how you really feel; and if there's a gift swap, make sure you let everyone know which gift you brought and how much you spent (it's en vogue to be wayyyy over budget).

6. Columbus Day

The unsung hero of drinking parties. Where were you last Columbus Day? Don't remember? That's probably because you were so stinko from all those Columbus Day celebrations. This year, get just as bombed, but don't take for granted the holiday itself. Columbus Day is, after all, about…explorers…and native population genocide…Italians who were Spanish…and other stuff like that.

Anyway, everyone knows that traditional C-Day attire is orange and red (for pumpkins and blood), so be sure to dress accordingly BEFORE you start getting drunk. This is imperative. Dressing while drunk, though completely awesome at the time, could ruin your Columbus Day image and chances of hooking up at that banger of a C-Day party (people get horny mid-October).

Once you're properly dressed, assemble a pre-party crew to imbibe with (might I suggest a bunch of overenthusiastic, insecure dudes?). Make sure you have a designated driver or taxi available, as cops are on the lookout on Columbus Day, the biggest party day of the year.

7. Fourth of July Party

America's birthday, sort of. The fourth, more than any other day, is a day for Michelob Ultra. I'm not a Mic Ult drinker for 364 days of the year. In fact, I think it's highly revolting. However, I do find that in July heat, in the midst of patriotic rhetoric exchanged between party guests, nothing satisfies like a watery American light beer. You can drink 25 and remain coherent, standing and hydrated. If you want to get properly boozed (as the title of the article suggests), I recommend adding in some form of American whiskey. If you consume ANYTHING OTHER than Mic Ult, American whiskey, and various meats and starchy salads, you are NOT American. No tequila, no vodka, no absinthe (I don't care where it was produced).

8. Halloween Costume Party

False identity + lots of booze/wackyass party = no repercussions. Take that little equation into consideration when planning how to get slopsville for a Halloween costume party. First off, no heavy masks, no cloaks, and no long capes; you don't want to suffocate in your costume. This is a safety precaution above all else. If you're a chick, obviously just wear a slutty costume…baha, yeah yeah, we've all heard the joke a billion times. If you're a dude, any sort of one-piece jump suit will do the trick, so long as you remember to include a crotch flap (astronaut, inmate, NASCAR driver, mechanic, Air Force pilot). One-pieces prevent any hindrance to your drinking, protect against that October chill, and allow for a multitude of accessories (aviators, obviously).

The most important thing to remember about getting drunk at a costume party is that it's not real life. There aren't any consequences because you aren't you and the other people aren't themselves! You didn't break a window, but you saw some sexy auto mechanic with aviators break a window. You didn't molest the bartender, but a really attractive inmate wearing aviators certainly did.

9. Keg Party

Who needs to know how to get drunk at a keg party? It's pretty much all laid out for you, isn't it? To the untrained drinker, the party is simple. Procure a red Solo cup, wait too long for shitty beer, drink shitty beer, play Beirut, flip cup, make out sloppily with someone, and try to bang in a disgusting empty room. Straightforward, but ineffective if you want to have a good time.

I've always been on the planning side of the keg party, and I therefore never waited in lines. The key, in fact, is to have a quality 12-pack on hand (for yourself) for when the idiot guests come over, but more importantly, to have your own special pre-party consumption keg for the day of the party. Drinking your own keg all day leading up to the event ensures that you can play all those fun keg-related games without having to share the vile contents of the vessel. Gargoyle on top of the keg, do a keg stand, try to lift it over your head, kegshower!, fill your friend's shoes with beer, fill the fish tank with beer. All that Natty is yours for the playing, so enjoy it. You've just mastered the keg party before the party even happened.

10. St. Patrick's Day Party

My favorite holiday because it's easy. Do you really need a guide? Drink all day. Wear green. Don't drink green beer unless you want to be a tool. Drink Guinness, Murphy's, Smithwick's, Jameson, and Bailey's.

11. High School Reunion

Wear plenty of gold chains and a garish suit. Make sure everyone knows you're a baller, and embarrass yourself. I mean reeaalllly embarrass yourself. Only drink oversized frozen drinks and complain that "these aren't as big as the drinks I get in the Islands…where I go all the time." Be vague about your occupation and social life. When someone brings up a cherished high school memory, pretend you don't remember because your life has been filled with so many amazing things that you couldn't possible recall a measly high school occasion. When you get home, drink bottom shelf bourbon in your apartment alone.

So there's a good starting point. Getting stupid drunk isn't as easy as some lesser drinkers may think. It's not just about overconsumption, it's about the right kind of overconsumption. Don't drink to get drunk, that's foolish. Drink to get properly drunk.