- You always get the guac
- You have all the flip phones you could ever dream of
- You call out sick for any flu, not just the stomach flu
- You only work your second, third and fourth jobs when you’re bored
- You have a stepchild named “Denfer”
- You always sort from “Most —> Least” expensive when online shopping
- You pay for a fountain drink instead of asking for a free water cup and filling it with Diet Sierra Mist when no one’s looking
- When Denfer’s away at boarding school you only Airbnb his room during leaf-peeping season and NEVER when he’s home
- You donate a respectable enough amount to crowdfunding campaigns that you don’t need to list yourself as anonymous
- You buy horse monocles in bulk
- You go see a doctor even if nothing is bleeding, and you never cry after receiving an invoice for lab work
- You pay for Denfer’s Ivy League golf college in cold hard golf cash as you would never handicap him with golf debt
- When your heat goes out, you cuddle with your butler for warmth
- You think the kitchens in Nancy Meyers movies are fine, for a beach house
- When Denfer marries a non-rich, you don’t think twice about letting her share your HBO GO password even though she claims to have her own
- You change your underwear daily
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