Minute 1: I bask in my newfound stardom. I can’t believe I’m finally here. They said I would never amount to anything, but look at me now—over 20 million views and counting on the Instagram reel of me getting my ass stuck in that stockade at the Renaissance fair.
Minute 2: Get signed to CAA. I capitalize on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity with a brand deal. I start an LLC and field a wide assortment of conflicting offers. I sign competing non-competes with Red Bull and Monster Energy. I hire the most expensive lawyer I can find and tell her to figure it out.
Minute 3: I decide to use my platform for good and start a charity to get turtles’ asses unstuck from plastic rings. I call my lawyer to see how I can switch my LLC to a 501(c)(3) non-profit.
Minute 4: I cut out all fake friends, they’re leeches. Every single person who tried to get my ass out of that stockade instead of filming me and laughing doesn’t want me to succeed.
Minute 5: I take a deep breath—I can’t let the fame go to my head. I remember where I started, with my ass nowhere near the stockade, listening to the wench insist that it was “built for children and won’t even fit an adult neck.” I remain humble.
Minute 6: I cancel my lunch with Barack again. He’ll understand. I’m at minute six and I haven’t even budgeted for self-actualization, a torrid celebrity affair, and boxing Jake Paul.
Minute 7: Shoot—15 minutes is way shorter than I thought. I take my frozen Amy’s Enchilada out of the oven and throw it in the trash. I put it in there over 20 minutes ago, before I made it big. I can’t waste time eating anything other than a culinary masterpiece created by a visionary. Someone like… Bobby Flay?
Minute 8: Meet Bobby Flay.
Minute 9: Wow, Bobby loves to gab.
Minute 10: Fuck, okay, Bobby was a talker. Shit shit, that’s okay, I still have five minutes left. That’s plenty of time to do everything I always dreamed of.
Minute 11: I make a TikTok with the Costco Guys where they, once again, give the Costco Double Chunk Chocolate Cookie five big booms.
Minute 12: I go on The Drew Barrymore Show, and she brings out The Rizzler. This is an excellent opportunity to get The Rizzler to endorse my turtle ass charity. That kid is so adorable. I just want to toss him into the air like a sign spinner.
Minute 13: I apologize to The Rizzler for throwing him into a ceiling fan. We hug. Drew is so overwhelmed by the strength of our friendship that she has to cut to commercial.
Minute 14: I break both non-competes and create my own energy drink: “Buzz Energy: A Live Bee in Every Can.”
Minute 15: I pay the victims in the Buzz Energy class-action lawsuit and use the remainder of my riches to create my own world-class Renaissance fair where people are allowed to put their asses in the stockades. No one comes because a guy in Virginia gets a bigger ass stuck in an even smaller stockade.