It's summertime, which can only mean one thing: If you're not careful, your sweat could pool up high enough to drown you. While it's easy enough to avoid racking up heating bills in the winter time by burning all your gas bills for heat, it can be tough to deal with the scorching temperatures of summer without help.
Not to worry, there are plenty of options for the frugally-minded during the summer.
Move into a freezer at Costco.
There is nothing like the cool breeze you feel when opening one of those big freezer doors at Costco. Why not make that permanent by secretly moving into one of the freezers? You'll have to be sneaky to avoid the notice of Costco workers, but once you've been there long enough, you can claim squatters' rights and there's nothing they or their managers can do.
You can enjoy the lavish Costco life the whole summer, getting meals by wandering over to the free sample stands and staying fit by lifting industrial-sized mustard and ketchup containers. Once the summer ends, you can show your appreciation by purchasing workers a sheet cake reading, “You Can Now Enjoy My Frozen Egg Roll Fort.”
Get a job that requires you to be around ice all day.
This requires some advanced planning, but heat aversion can drive you to desperate measures. Find a job as scientist who specializes in glaciers. Voila! You'll be comfy cool in the summer around all the big ice you have to study for work.
As an added bonus, much of your work will put you at high altitudes, where most people don't dare to go. Not only won't you need AC, you won't need to regularly socialize either.
Honestly, why haven't you already chosen this career? If you don't want to take the higher education route, you can also become one of Mr. Freeze's ice minions. Better brush up on your ice puns for that interview.
Hang around banks.
Banks are always ice cold. If energy usage is a large climate change contributor, financial institutions are largely responsible. They have diversified in their villainy. You can take advantage of their wanton energy waste by constantly going into banks to ask about their products and services.
Go multiple times a day and ask about all their options: checking, savings, credit cards, mortgages, business loans, whatever gets you through those doors and into that AC. This might unnerve the tellers and bankers, who may think you're casing the place to heist it. If they report you to the police, that's okay, though. Police stations usually have AC and they also usually have Dum Dums, and let you have as many as you want.
Create clothing from frozen vegetables.
People always want to put on as little clothing as possible during the summertime to stay cool. That's a big mistake. Why not be cool and fashionable by turning some frozen pea and strawberry bags into a stylish ensemble covering every inch of your body? You'll have to change outfits as frequently as a runway model as the clothing gradually warms up. Just toss them in the freezer to get them ready for another go around. Just make sure to keep an eye out for vegans who may want to eat your clothes.
Learn your neighbors' sprinkler schedules and jump into 'em with your swim trunks.
Most yards have sprinklers that go off at some point during the week. This tends to be at night when most people are sleeping. That's where you come in. You may have to become somewhat nocturnal, but you can spend the entire night running through cold water like an excitable three-year-old.
Again, law enforcement may show up. If they do, do not point the Super Soaker you have filled with sprinkler water in their general direction.