Has your quarantine crush gone quiet? Social distance gotten too emotionally distant? Fear not! Here’s how to get the one man who lives in your house who is obligated by law to not leave to pay attention to you by assuming the shape of a beautiful landscape broken into 1,000 tiny cardboard pieces.
Open Pandora’s Box
When it’s been just the two of you in the same house for over a month and you’ve already plowed through all streaming, reading, gaming, and virtual Zoom options, why not mix things up and turn yourself into a cheaply constructed puzzle depicting a romantic vacation destination? He’ll be sure to grow giddy with excitement unwrapping your packaging, and watch with desire as your blue and white pieces of Greece spill all over the living room floor and blend with the blue and white patterned rug. Let your big strong man scoop you up and throw you on the table—or wherever he wants.
Maintain an Air of Mystery
Nothing makes a man feel more like a real mythological Greek god than putting together a woman’s misshapen pieces and presenting a beautiful picture he can post on Instagram. If he’s a skilled puzzler, he’ll know to start putting you together with the border first. But are those blue pieces representing the sea or sky? Nice way to keep him guessing, quaranQUEEN.
Stroke His God Complex
Just because your man has developed a robust, flowing beard that he’s neglected to shave for the past six weeks, doesn’t mean he feels like he’s living on top of Mount Olympus, or can even recognize what colors make up a mountain. Is this piece dark red or brown? How come this puzzle doesn’t perfectly mimic the photo on the box? WHAT ARE COLORS EVEN?!
Help him with the little wins by having some defining features on your pieces, like a little yellow line in the corner. That way he can begin to make some progress and start to feel like a real Alexander the Great.
Play Games If You Must
Look, current circumstances are challenging for us all; tensions are high, and your relationship is not always going to be perfect. Sooner or later, he’s going to grow frustrated with how challenging you are, start drinking like Dionysus, and accuse you of being a total Hera. You may be tempted to slip him a little hemlock while fantasizing about John Stamos in those Oikos commercials, but you know you’ll be most effective if you let that one significant piece slip quietly to the floor where he won’t find it for days.
Keep Coming Back to Each Other
Not every piece is going to fit, even if it totally looks like it should. But you can’t force it. Sometimes, you need to accept that a piece belongs to another sleek marble statue, and be patient while you find the other pieces that surround it. It’s the only way to maintain a good relationship—er, complete a puzzle: constant, tedious, profanity-inducing work.
And if you’re still in need of nurturing attention, you can always turn yourself into a sourdough starter.