How to Impress People as a Dad

Know Your Baby's Name

Start with the basics. Just remembering what’s on your child’s birth certificate will get you a compliment in the park. Next time an elderly lady on a bench asks, “Who’s this bundle of joy?” simply respond: “[Your Baby’s Name Here]!” and watch that granny grin! You’re all but guaranteed to get a, “Aren’t you lucky to have such a good daddy.” Coochi-coochi-you.

Having a hard time? Try mnemonics! Flashcards can help, too. And if you can’t remember your baby’s name in the moment, make one up! For guaranteed success, boy or girl, we recommend something gender neutral, like Bailey.

Remember How Old Your Child Is

Feel free to ballpark those numbers. Round months up. Round months down. Hold out your fingers and say, “This many.”

Dress Your Baby in Clothes

Don’t worry about sizes and what goes under overalls. Your baby’s wardrobe doesn’t have to match or be remotely appropriate for the weather or occasion. Defy all convention! You’re a stylist, your child’s a celebrity, and every day’s their Met Gala.

Stimulate Your Baby's Senses

But avoid actual stimulants, like coffee and Red Bull.

Appear to Have Changed Your Baby's Diaper

Simply enter and exit the restroom with your child. No actual changing required. The important thing is, everyone will think you did the work, and are a war hero for it.

Feed Your Baby Something Beside Cool Ranch Doritos

This easy meal plan’s guaranteed to get the whole food court gushing. “Now there’s a good dad! Can you believe he isn’t feeding his baby Cool Ranch Doritos?!”

Strap Your Baby in a Carrier (Right-Side Up)

Onlookers will applaud your competence. And with your little one snug to your chest, you’ll feel like you’re ready to go skydiving… don’t do that though.

Don't Yell at Your Baby in Frustration About How You Missed Out on Low Interest Rates in 2022

Some call this “gentle parenting.”

Say Something About Strollers

“We were gonna go with the Uppa Baby because of its trim and suspension, but ended up getting a deal on a used Doona with a tight turning radius and super low mileage.”

Give Your Baby a Bro Hug

There’s more than one way to be seen showing your child affection. Not to mention, it’s an excellent technique when you can’t remember how to burp.

Cradle Your Baby's Head from the Neck

The important part about being seen as a supportive father is that you don’t hold your baby FROM the neck.

Toss Your Baby in the Air

Onlookers will think you’re bonding with your child, and you’ll squeeze in a workout. Plant your feet. Tighten your core. Activate your shoulders and max out your reps for your PBB. As your baby descends, always, always remember: catch.

Speak to Your Baby in a Foreign Language

Spanish not your forte? Rattle off your team’s QB’s INTs and TDs for the W.

Do a Little Peek-a-Boo

Play the hits! Whether you want to be seen as your baby’s favorite funny-man, or are holding your face in your hands to mask chronic exhaustion.

Tell Your Baby a Story

Here’s your chance to speak unabashedly about the DCEU.

Use Parenting Terms

To show your peers you really know your stuff, whether or not they’re remotely applicable:

“Mind if I close the wake window?”
“Should we get take out or cluster feed?”
“How about we order the baby-led weaning for the table and split the sleep regression to start?”
“We need to cut Cradle CapEx.”

Give the Finger to Someone Speeding Through the Neighborhood

At worst, you’ll be seen as a protective papa bear. If you’re lucky, some might think you’re teaching your infant ASL.

Play Beer Pong with Your Baby

Neighbors will praise you for developing your infant’s fine motor skills.

Don't Drop Your Baby Into the Gorilla Exhibit at the Zoo

A firm grip and situational awareness go a long way. “Now there’s a good dad! Can you believe he didn’t drop his baby in the gorilla exhibit at the zoo?!”