How to Relax Like a Man

To most men, relaxing until their metabolism gives up is a God-given talent and an innate ability we discovered when we gave up diapers for the toilet because it gave us a place to sit and read comic strips. Relaxing is the reason we own hot tubs, La-Z-Boys, and women: warmth, comfort, and feedings respectively. Relaxing is the reason we invented machines—so we didn't have to do as much work—and the reason we invented hookers—so we didn't have to do as much work.

Sure, sure, there are the workaholics of the world, and the work-outaholics of the world, but at the end of the day no man loves an idea better than laying back, stretching out, and relaxing the shit out of himself. That all being said, for the benefit of women and unnaturally un-gifted men everywhere, I give you…

How to Relax Like a Man

Relaxing during lecture is an artform. The extent of your need to relax will ultimately determine how you position yourself. Any decent human wouldn't want the prof to know their need to relax outweighs their want to listen; but if you're tired enough, you might just not give a damn.

Variation #1: Chin on Arms

Chin on Arms is a nearly foolproof relaxation technique, hinging on the fact that the prof actually thinks you're leaning forward to listen to him or her. Hopefully you are, but chances are you're not. Once a guy begins relaxing, the only thing he hears is music, TV, or blissful silence. He then sinks into his own thoughts about music, TV, and boobies.

Variation #2: Head on Arm

Head on Arm allows for two very important things: dozing and note taking. Being able to take notes is another way to fool the prof and it allows you to actually retain some knowledge (apparently retaining knowledge comes in handy for exams and shit. Who knew?). Head on Arm is also an easy way to doze off while still scribbling your signature, the occasional important lecture factoid, and boobies.

Variation #3: Face in Arms

Face in Arms in when man is in class but at the pinnacle of his relaxation needs. Face in Arms cuts the entire world out of you existence and allows for complete darkness and makes sleep a much bigger potential. Situations do not get much more relaxing than this. It does come with hazards, such as actually falling asleep—which I've discussed before—and being caught by the prof. Or both. But if you don't get caught, totally worth it. Until you fail that exam.

Variation#1: The Hot Tub

A man in a hot tub is a happy man. A hot tub is built specifically for relaxation. Relaxation and naked endeavors. Relaxing naked endeavors! Warm water, massage jets, and undissolved chemical crystals wedging in to your fun places makes this the ultimate relaxation zone for a man. So how do you sit to attain optimal relaxation? Well as seen in our picture above, there is only one way a man will sit in a hot tub: with his arms resting on the edges, hands dropped over the sides. The goal of every man is to rest every part of his body on something, so the arms naturally find their way on to the ledges. It also conveys ultimate relaxation to the rest of the world and creates two nice little nooks at your sides for the ladies to make themselves comfortable and help feed you sandwiches better.

Variation #2: The Restaurant Booth (before the food arrives)

The Booth at a restaurant has a variation of its own depending on how tall the booth's backrest is. But first, for optimal relaxation, the man must achieve The Slouch. The Slouch hardly needs explaining. The man loses everything he ever learned about posture to slide his ass to the edge of the seat, lean back, and spread his legs to make room for his (presumably) formidable dong. If the booth's backrest is low, the man will pretend he is in a hot tub and put a single arm on top of the back rest. The other arm will rest in his lap. If the booth backrest is too tall, the lounging arm will rest placidly on the table. Why? No one knows.

Variation #3: The Computer Chair

The picture just about says it all. The laptop, I believe, was invented solely because it's much more relaxing to type with your feet up and your keyboard in your lap, and man just got tired of turning his head to look at the monitor. Every man who values his relaxation has a way of putting his feet up and leaning back while at the computer. Be it typing or masturbating for the fifteenth time, this position is optimal for relaxation.

Ahhh, where man is totally in his element. The TV and the movie were invented solely for the purpose of enhancing relaxation ten-fold. It is proven fact that men are born head-first so they don't miss a playoff shootout or a season finale cliffhanger that they would otherwise miss going out breach (note: fact proven by me).

Variation #1: Lying Down

Lying on the couch can be undertaken in several different ways which I won't go in to detail about. It's pretty simple: lie down and be as comfortable as possible. Men will go about this as they will, and all of them will be very relaxed as expected. Common positions include: arms behind head, arm behind head, arms crossed, lying on back, lying on side. Believe it or not, this is a very fine artform varying from man to man. Each man has perfected his lying technique for optimal TV viewing.

Also counted: Hand down pants.

Variation #2: Standing

Every once and a while, it is necessary for the man to stand while relaxing. I know… it's hard to believe, but it happens. Cases of standing are generally caused by: eating in the kitchen, overcrowding, or the manly need to exude dominance. Standing up while watching TV is conducted in only ONE matter: pick something solid that is about kitchen counter height (i.e. a kitchen counter) and lean back against it. Then proceed to cross one leg in front of you so that leg can relax, and then cross your arms to support the relaxation of your man chest. Standing relaxation achieved. Never change positions except to cross other leg or to place hands in pockets.

Variation #3: La-Z-Boy

The La-Z-Boy is the pinnacle of TV watching relaxation. Built specifically to accommodate The Slouch and The Lie Down at the same time, things cannot get much better. Well they could… if you found a way to put a La-Z-Boy in a hot tub. A hot tub with one of those built in TVs. What is there to explain about relaxing in a La-Z-Boy? Your strain ends at pulling the lever, which causes the La-Z-Boy to force you into the perfect relaxation position. You hardly have a choice in the matter.

So there you have it, woman/deprived and ungifted man, this is how a man relaxes. It is a fantastic natural phenomenon. Relax your cares away, and if you can't, I'll do it for you.