Breaking up with someone can be extremely painful—I should know, I watched it happen on TV once. When two people fall in love, they build their lives, hopes, and dreams around one another. If that special bond is severed or broken, the resulting heartache can be unbearable. Losing that person with whom you had an intimate connection is kind of like being smacked in the face and then punched in the stomach before having a rusty, crooked nail shoved into your penis hole.
In other words, it doesn't feel very good.
However, being the kind, caring, and sensitive person that I am, I have taken it upon myself to offer the following ten guidelines in my utmost desire to help those who truly need support and comfort in difficult times.
From the bottom of my heart, I offer the best of my wisdom with all sincerity that true healing may occur.
1. Find a healthy way to release your feelings of guilt.
Breaking up with a significant other is a very devastating, painful, and perhaps even traumatizing event. It can be so painful that it actually makes you feel sick. Some people, after they break up with someone, don't even feel like eating for a couple days. Separation and heartbreak are truly horrible things.
One you get past the initial shock and pain of a break-up, it is very likely that you will try to filter out all the intimate details of your relationship. The process of filtering out these details is necessary because it will help you move on with life. You are almost on your way to healing. However, you are not there just yet. After you filter out these details, you may be troubled by feelings of guilt.
"Is it my fault we broke up?" you may ask yourself. "Could I have done something to repair the relationship?" you ponder. "Did he or she leave me because I am a difficult person to be with?" you wonder as you try to sleep at night.
Don't let yourself be needlessly bothered by these thoughts, and don't waste time asking yourself these troubling questions. Of course it's your fault.
If you feel guilty all the time, then it's because you ARE GUILTY. You are a horrible person. But don't worry, there is hope. You don't have to live with this guilt forever. You have to understand that guilt is not simply a feeling, a state of mind, or a negative emotion that will eventually go away with time. It's actually something that lives in your blood, and the only way to get rid of it…is to start cutting yourself.
That old razor sitting out in your tool shed (or perhaps on your bathroom counter) isn't going to do its own work. You need to take a bold step forward and put that thing to good use. Just find a certain area of your body and push the razor in really hard. You'll slowly start to feel better as all that horrible guilt drips, runs, splatters, or even sprays out of your body like a garden hose being aimed at beautiful flowers on a pleasant summer evening.
2. Be realistic—don't get carried away with positive thinking.
When you break up with someone, you feel so horribly sad and hurt that you begin desperately trying to hold onto happy thoughts. You may even begin telling yourself things such as "The Future Will Be Good If I Think Positive!"… or…"I Will Eventually Find Someone Who Loves Me!"
Before you tell yourself these things, however, you need to make sure that you keep yourself grounded in reality. Don't leap foolishly into a bright future without acknowledging your current problems. You can't run away from your issues. If you don't believe me, then find the closest mirror in your house and look into it.
As you can see, you still have some obstacles to deal with…one of them being Your Face.
3. Don't listen to the advice of others. Find your own inner strength.
Because you are currently in a vulnerable condition, other people will probably try to give you advice. Don't listen to them. They are not walking in your shoes right now. Listen to yourself and find your own inner-strength.
I will use myself as an example. Throughout the years, many people have told me that I need psychological help, extensive therapy, and perhaps even a serious intervention. But I never listened to any of those fuckers because I am a strong person. I have what's called Inner-Strength.
And despite all of the things I deal with in life—aching loneliness, continual anxiety, an unbalanced social and professional life, unstable emotions, an explosive temper, racing thoughts, chronic depression, raging alcoholism, nervous excitability followed by extreme fatigue due to excessive consumption of caffeine and tobacco, high blood sugar, high blood pressure…and probably a massive heart-attack in the near future—I still consider myself to be a strong person who does NOT need help.
The advice of other people is often foolish.
4. Engage in fun, healthy, community-building activities such as…
A) Playing with a Ouija board until you become demonically possessed….then attacking people.
B) Finding a really big scab on the top of your head and picking at it until blood actually runs down your face and onto your shirt before going to your local gym, getting on one of the treadmills, and screaming at the person next to you.
C) Recommending educational documentaries to your local public school about deer hunters who accidentally find severed body parts in the woods. I personally recommend "Hey Bob, I Think There's Something Over There" or even "Joe, What The Fuck Is That?" Both films are highly informative.
Or even…
D) Demonstrating what can happen if you are not careful on the 4th of July by pushing a highly explosive device into your anal sphincter and then lighting it.
5. Vent your anger in a constructive way.
In case you didn't notice, there is a really big Anti-Tobacco Movement in the United States right now. In a country where everybody else is either gaining their rights or has gained them already, smokers are losing theirs. We can't smoke in bars, public areas, a growing number of college campuses, and many other places. Airports don't have smoking rooms, and now many work places are becoming smoke-free. I'm so glad I live in a place that we used to refer to as "LAND OF THE FREE" and "HOME OF THE BRAVE."
Anyway, you are probably feeling very angry and frustrated over your recent break-up. If you have some rage to vent, please drink a bottle of whisky, get into a rather large truck, and smash it into some of the pompous, arrogant, self-righteous people who are responsible for the anti-tobacco movement as well as the wonderful anti-tobacco commercials that get repeatedly jammed down our throats on a daily basis as we continually have our freedoms taken away. Yes, please run any one of these individuals over in cold blood while shouting…
"BIG TOBACCO ISN'T THE ENEMY NOW, IS IT? BITCH! WELCOME BACK TO DRUNKEN DRIVING…MOTHERFUCKER!"
6. If you are a man who has broken up with the woman of your dreams, you need keep yourself from thinking about the fact that she has a new boyfriend…and that this new boyfriend is constantly pleasuring her.
Now that you've broken up with the woman who used to bring you all the happiness in the world, you need to focus on your own future goals and self-fulfillment rather than think about the continual pleasure she receives when her new boyfriend pushes his hard, massive, throbbing, 10-and-a-half-inch joy organ into her warm, moist, quivering tunnel of love.
You need not ponder all the sweat and love stains that decorate their bed sheets after they get done ferociously humping each-other all night long and into the morning hours like a couple of wild animals that are completely out of control while the George Michael song "Careless Whisper" loops on the stereo.
And whatever you do, you need to keep your mind off the fact that she is probably putting her legs underneath his so that he can watch her ass bounce up and down on his vein-filled, monstrous, pulsating rod of delight….and that after doing this for several minutes, she will probably turn around, get underneath him, and receive a mammoth load of special juice that will spray all over her soft, beautifully-large, perfectly-formed, milk-producing, glandular organs.
Thinking about these things will only cause you distress.
7. If you are a woman who has broken up with your man, you can rest assured that he has not found someone like you and that he is currently with a less attractive female in a desperate and pathetic attempt to fill the bleeding hole in his dying heart.
Ever since you broke up with your boyfriend, you've been on a long and arduous journey to find a new man who can fulfill all your hopes and dreams. In other words, you found him about a week later simply by saying "Hi" to him.
As you embark on your new and blessed journey of happiness with the awesome stud you've found, you can rest assured that your previous boyfriend is currently limping his way through life like a pathetic, drooling cripple. He has found somebody, and she actually does look semi-attractive….when the lights in the room are turned off.
Chances are, he latched onto her at closing time in the lamest bar in town because he didn't want to go home alone and face the emptiness in his soul…and in his life in general. Either that or he paid for her. It's hard to say.
He is probably titty-fucking her right now while thinking about you…and after his cock explodes in her mouth (or all over her face if he doesn't get himself into the right position on time) he will pass out in a drunken state and feel profoundly horrible when he wakes up in the morning and takes a good look at the creature sleeping next to him.
8. If you are a Chinese lesbian with red hair, freckles, and a penis growing out of your forehead….
Then the advice given in guidelines #6 and #7 don't apply to you.
9. If you are a homosexual Bulgarian male with a swollen lymph node in the upper left region of your groin in between your abdomen and your leg….and if you have a milk-producing glandular organ growing at an exponential rate on the bottom of your right testicle…
Then you need to hook up with the Chinese lesbian mentioned in guideline #8.
10. Remember the good times.
We've been through so much together. Guilt, Anger, Pain, Heartbreak, Razor Blades, Chinese Lesbians, Testicular Deformities, Needless and Excessive Abuse of Adjectives…and yes…even George Michael Songs.
I would like to continue providing all the wisdom and advice that I have, but unfortunately I have to go right now. My therapist…and my exorcist…are both trying to call me for some reason.