By staff writer Paul Frank
Thus, I present an unofficial list of the types of roommates you wish you hated. Not because you don’t have the capacity in your heart for hate. Lord knows (and so do Mrs. Finklebottom and her now-dead dog) that you have the capacity for hate. Rather, the reason you wish you hated these roommates is because they don’t exist. You can’t hate what doesn’t exist. Anyway, before this turns into a horrible philosophy class, let’s get on with the list.
| The Druggie Roommate Who Wants You to Do His Drugs |
“Dude, you should try ecstasy. It totally opens your mind. Literally. It creates holes in your brain.”
“No.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
| The Roommate Who Really Likes Floppy Disks |
“Hey, can I borrow a floppy disk?”
“A floppy wha– …oh, I don’t have any.”
(cracks up) “You don’t have any floppy disks.”
“Neither do you, apparently.”
(ignores what you just said, goes out into the hallway and yells) “THIS DOUCHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY FLOPPY DISKS! HELLO…IT’S 2007! GET WITH IT!”
(comes back inside dorm room) “Seriously, dude, let me borrow a floppy disk. I use them at such an enormous pace that I always run out.”
“Maybe you run out ‘cause they can only hold like a megabyte.”
“Yeah. A fucking MEGAbyte.”
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“THIS GUY JUST SAID A MEGABYTE IS NOTHING!”
“Please stop yelling stuff. You look like an idiot.”
“I may be an idiot but at least I’m not stupid. I know you have some around here somewhere. You have to!” (starts going through your stuff)
“Dude, get out of my shit. Stay in your side of the room.”
“You sound just like what society says to my dad. Stay in your cell. You still have 43 years to life left.
| The Roommate Who Masturbates to Photos of Your Family |
“Just so you know, I’m going home this weekend and taking home all my pictures.”
“Please don’t.”
“Kill yourself.”
| The Roommate Who Has Extremely Weird Cell Phone Conversations |
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“What? Your brother killed himself because they chose Drew Carey as the replacement host for The Price is Right? Well, I would kill myself, too, if I only had a gun. Well, that’s cool, though, ‘cause you and your brother fought sometimes over stuff, right? So now he’s like, dead, so it’s all good. Oh, my condolences.”
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“You ordered a Hitler costume and all they sent you was a Hitler mustache? Well, that makes sense, I guess. But what a rip-off for $99.99!”
- “My mom always said sarcasm never solved anything. Boy was she depressed when they found out sarcasm was the cure for cancer. Actually, it cured her cancer, so she was also not depressed. It’s kind of a bittersweet cure, I guess.”
| The Roommate Who's a Robot But Tries to Fit In |
“START Oh boy gee, that toilet paper they have here is brutal, yes?! END”
“Robots don’t wipe, rohomo.”
| The Roommate Who Poses as a Hobo |
“Hey, you got any spare change, brother?”
“What?”
“I just need some food man, I don’t got a place to stay.”
“You live here. Here in this dorm. And you have a fucking job.”
“Is that a no? Gosh bless.”
| The Roommate Who Tries to Eat Your Food But You Don't Have Any |
“Instead of chewing my stuff, could you not chew my stuff? I saw those chew marks on my iPhone. That’s not food, Brohannah.”
“Yeah, sorry, I thought it was a delicious dark chocolate bar.”
| The Roommate Who Doesn’t Give a FUCK About Darfur |
“Shit, man, you know what I was thinking today?”
“No.”
“Motherfuck Darfur, dude. Always asking for our help and donations and to save them and shit. Fuck that. No…FUCK THAT. FUCK DARFUR. You can quote me on that. Are you writing this down? Oh, you’re writing a paper for English. Put this as your attention getter: ‘Dear Darfur – Fuck you, fuck your country, and fuck you. Talk about suffering – I suffer more than you third-rate, wannabe scumbags. I live on no money, no food, and I haven’t showered in four weeks. Yeah, pretty sure I have it way worse. So, suck it. In conclusion, stop begging America for your money and start kissing my balls.”
| The Roommate Who is a Homophobe's Stereotype |
“Nice to meet you too, let’s compare penis sizes now! Shall we? What do you mean no? Come on, I insist! Are you scared mine is bigger, hetero? Let’s synch up our shower schedules! When are you planning on taking one? Should I pencil dick you in for a 3 o’clock?”