Psst! Down here, in the bottom right corner. It’s me, your drag-and-drop Carmen San Diego.
Can we talk? It’s just, you’ve been plopping me on the planet for a while now, as you please. And well, if we’re going to maintain this up-and-down relationship, I need to be frank about my needs…
Less Micromanagement
Not looking for a lot here, just basic control of my limbs. We could have had this whole talk years ago if I could just wave my arms for attention.
As it is, the best I can do is sort of tilt to the side, like I’m a little teapot, and lean.
Hover over me. See?
Healthcare
Most of my professional life is spent being dangled over the planet by my neck like a lion cub. Spinal surgery bills add up. Landing on pavement with catlike grace takes a toll on the knees. These ACLS don’t repair themselves. Either do shattered femurs.
If I don’t drop into Canada or Europe—what’s Chrome say when a page fails to load? Aw, Snap!
Hazard Pay
If you’re wondering, in the moment you wait for me to land in Street View, I howl through the mesosphere, engulfed in flame.
The Right Tools to Do My Job
Is it too much to expense a parachute in SAP?
Time to Recharge
I’m sure it goes without saying, but Costa Rican Airbnbs are less stressful to scope out than your mom’s ex-husband’s backyard and whether his '02 Durango is still beside the toolshed rusting away. (It is. And rest assured, he might as well be, too.)
Side note: Should I be searching his property or should you be searching: “Therapist?”
Retirement Savings
I would like someday to retreat to a digital dreamscape as soothing and ethereal as a pixelated mid-'90s screensaver. I would like someday to no longer face the grind of the browser refreshing again and again, but instead, enjoy the fruits of my labor, watching my Google Grandchildren grow.
Honesty and Transparency
Is there a reason we’re checking out all these abandoned nuclear test sites or are you kind of a sick fuck?
Clothes
It’s one thing to be photographed by JetBlue passengers from their window seats while I nakedly flail through the clouds. (Though, lots of concerns there. Namely: dignity, birds.)
It’s another, having landed, to pace back and forth through your prospective neighborhood with nothing to cover my stick figure.
Surveying your son’s could-be preschool, fully exposed? Stranger Danger! If you didn’t pick me back up with a couple of clicks, I’d probably be on Dateline NBC.
A New Name
You know what the guys at Alphabet decided to call me? “Pegman.” Yeah… not the best look.
A Face
I’d like one. Eyes. Ears. Mouth. The works. Particularly the eyes. I cannot stress enough: I don’t just want to be seen, I want to see.
Training and Development
With a couple skydiving lessons, I could consistently hit my mark with Bilesian precision. No more redirecting me, once I’ve landed, to that end of the street. Just book me in one of those simulators off the highway or something. Better yet, I could collab with the guys from Cirque.
Job Security
Is the Meta-verse happening? More to the point: Is there a future for me in it? How will I be impacted by our merger? I'm sorry, it's just that I don't trust Mark.
Expanding the Team
Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been doing this alone for what… 14 years now? Staffing up would improve work-life balance tremendously.
The whole falling without consequence thing seems like a perfect fit for the Spinning Beach Ball of Death.
The Running T-Rex Can't be jumping over cactuses when your WiFi is working. Maybe he's down for part-time. Besides, he's already got experience dodging birds.
And what about Clippy? Someone told me he’s coming out of retirement from Windows 97? Poor guy… bet it all on crypto.
Addressing Harassment
Biden learned. You can, too. Please find a way to interact without pawing my little orange body with your giant white mitt.
An Understanding of Where My Career Could Take Me
Is there room for growth here? Given my willingness to embrace challenge and take my career to new heights, will I someday be considered for Google Mars? Or am I going to be sleuthing around the “10 Homes Zillow Thinks You'll Love,” forever?
You know what? Forget I said that. Leave me here in the toolbar.
The more I think about it—I just want work from home.