You might think it’s strange how much time I spend on my own. You might even call it “sad” or “a little concerning.” The truth is, I actually prefer being alone. I mean, unless you want to do something? Because I’m totally free at the moment. Schedule’s wide open!
Too busy? Yeah, same.
Anyway, like I was saying, there are so many benefits to being by yourself pretty much every second of every day. For starters, you really get to know yourself on a deeply—almost painfully—intimate level. I’ve come to learn so much about myself during my years of blissful solitude. For example, I’ve learned that I don't have to rely on anyone but moi for emotional and physical support in difficult times, like when the overwhelming Nothingness of daily life becomes too much to handle, or when I slip and fall in the shower and have to drag my wet, naked body to call 911 because no one can heed my cries for help.
Another great thing about free-soloing life is the peace and quiet. Ah, that silence. So deafening. It really gives you a chance to consider what matters most in life, like friends and family, and the fact that it’s so much better eating dinner by yourself in front of the TV for the 328th night in a row than it is to share a meal with friends and family at a noisy restaurant. I mean, who would want that? No, seriously, I’m asking if anyone would like to go do that with me? Like right now.
Yep, I guess you could say I’m something of an introvert. I guess you could also say I’m “cripplingly lonely” and “desperately starved for human connection.” Same thing, really. Then again, some of history’s greatest figures were also introverts, like Rosa Parks, Albert Einstein, and Abraham Lincoln. In that sense, I’m in pretty good company, even if I don’t have anyone to keep me company in the much more real sense.
But who needs friends when you have man’s best friend? Intrusive thoughts. You’re never truly alone when you have your many fears and insecurities to keep you busy and remind you to stay indoors where it’s safe and quiet. Oh so quiet…. Plus I have a dog! But he mostly just stares at me with those judging eyes, as if to say, “Shouldn’t you be out doing something right now?” Shouldn’t you be minding your own business, Murphy?
In all honesty, there’s nothing I’d rather do on a Friday night than snuggle up on the couch with my favorite book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Unless you want to catch a movie? Maybe grab a drink? I’m easy. Whatever you want. Oh, you already have plans? Phew! What a relief! More sweet sweet me-time. Or as I call it, “Time.”
When you think about it, there’s really nothing you can’t do alone, except: have a conversation, fall in love, make love, reenact the pottery scene from Ghost, ride a tandem bike through the park on a beautiful summer’s day, apply sunscreen on your back, feel complete as a human being, tango. But aside from that, and many other things, there’s really nothing you can’t do.
Did I mention fall in love? I did.
And sure, studies suggest that people who spend too much time alone are at a much higher risk of dying prematurely due to things like heart disease, high blood pressure, and plain old lonesomeness, but I ask you this: Wouldn’t you much rather die young, alone, and in the comfort of your own one-bedroom apartment, instead of old, happy, and surrounded by loved ones?
Actually, when I put it like that, this whole lone-wolf lifestyle is starting to sound pretty unappealing.
You sure you don’t want to hang out? Please.