By staff writer NG Hatfield
How to Deal with Cops….while you're drunk!
This how-to guide wasn’t written because I dislike cops. I don’t dislike cops at all. I love cops. They have a kick-ass TV show. Also, they’re just doing their job. They have to put donuts and coffee on the table somehow, you know. And that’s a joke with honorable intentions…I swear.
This isn’t a guide to get you out of drunk driving. Because driving drunk is no laughing matter. Well, unless you’re drunk driving one of those hilariously oversized bicycles from the 19th century. Or riding a pig. But those are purely funny because the most likely end result is that only you will get hurt. Well besides the pig, but what's a little bacon on the table anyway. Pig joke aside. Oink. Ok, pig jokeS aside. Oink. Seriously now…. This is more a guide to get out of that “Public Intoxication” charge you hear about so often.
To be more specific, this is pretty much advice for guys (or “Bad boys, bad boys, who don’t know what to do when they come for them…bad boys, bad boys”). This isn’t because I’m sexist (although I am), or because I want to see girls go to jail so they’ll make out in the cell in a vat of Jell-O pudding…vanilla (although I do). No, not at all. This is mainly for guys because girls don’t get charged with “Public Intoxication,” they’re just charged with “Public Show-Us-Your-Tits-ation.” But regardless of your gender, race or creed, everyone gets trashed and we all need a little help getting out of needless tickets. So read on, my fellow lush, and enjoy!
I Law the Fought and the Won Law.
The following are some drunk things you probably think when you see a cop:
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Shit!
FUCK!
Oh crap!
Oh damn!
Oh Jenny!
Oh no!
I’ve got to pee so bad!
I wonder if anybody’ll care if I go on this “Stop” sign?! (Ironic, no?)
Oh God, I got some on my jeans!
Stupid button-fly!
First step, fool: don’t panic. Police officers are trained to look for darting eyes, finicky gestures and bloody knives in the back of white Broncos. Also, if you’ve got to go to the bathroom, pee on the back of his cruiser. It’s the last place he’ll look. Just don't write your name on it or shout “Hey look guys! I'm pissing on this cop car!”
Other than not panicking, it’s good to know that there are some things you just can’t help when you’re drunk. For example, you’re going to slur your words, you’re going to feel up that fat chick you know from psychology class (and you’re going to regret it the next day too), and you’re going to laugh when the cop billy-clubs your friends for burning a couch. Realize that most of this stuff is avoidable if you just look collected. But don't lose that great sense of humor at the expense of acting collected.
Now, let’s say you’re questioned….
Po-Po: Hello son.
You: Yesss….offi…offi…officer?
Po-Po: Have you been drinking?
Now what? You’re fucked! Ahahaha. Just kidding…. Sort of.
The Fine Art of Inebriated Lying
It’s a code 78: you’ve shat yourself. Old Jimmy Law is on you like white on rice. What are you going to do now? If you answered “Not panic!” you’ve been paying attention. But not close enough attention. Stop using exclamation points. They make you seem…panicky. And what is panicky? Bad!!! And by keeping it unbad (even with that round, pointy hat up in your grill) you have a better chance of convincing him that you’re as sober as that selfish fuck who was supposed to be your designated driver but didn‘t show up because his girlfriend went into labor.
Anyways, here are some good, usable excuses.
-Fact: Both Nyquil and Listerine contain alcohol. Carry a bottle. Use accordingly.
-You have two inner-ear infections, a speech impediment and acid reflux.
-You’re a big fan of Chips and that handsome cop looks just like Eric Estrada!
-You find bondage (handcuffs) sexy, but you find affidavits of your public intoxication even sexier. (I’m assuming that cops won’t arrest you if they’re really creeped out.)
-You know his mother. If she’s dead, it was a shame to lose her to…cancer?
-Alcohol helps with your crippling depression. Then continue to talk about how your pig died, your girlfriend left you and how your erectile dysfunction disorder has made even the sunniest of days feel like an Edgar Allan Poe story.
-Lie.
-Use what you have. If you’re smart, try to distract him by discussing the importance of the religious implications of Nathaniel Hawthorne. If you’re fast, run.
-Unless you enjoy sodomy, remember that a ticket is better than a night in jail.
Time to put you to the test….
Question: If a cop comes up to your drunk ass, what do you do?
Answer: Pee on his cruiser.
Question: If a cop billy-clubs your friends, what do you do?
Answer: Run, if that’s your thing.
Question: If you get arrested, what do you do?
Answer: Play dead. And then pucker your butt-hole or defecate on yourself…again.
Finally, cops don’t like to be called pigs. So don’t even allude to an image of pigs. Not even in an online article. Who knows when THAT will come back to haunt y—
The author of this article has been billy-clubbed.