For years, I struggled with my weight. I tried everything in the book to achieve my dream body: personal trainers, fad diets, CrossFit…I even looked into whether you could donate parts of your body to science pre-mortem. But no matter what I tried, I just wasn’t seeing results. That is, until I successfully exorcised the disgruntled paranormal spirit that had taken up residence in my body!
Before my weight-loss breakthrough, a lot of people encouraged me to accept my body for what it was. There were many times I felt like calling it quits on my fitness journey. But then I realized most of those confusing voices were just the demon living inside me—Geoff! What a rascal!
Once I learned to tune Geoff's many voices out, it was time to create a fitness program that worked for me. What I discovered is that most exercise regimens only target problem areas like belly, thighs, or arms. But what about those of us who want to get in shape and expel the erratic ghost that’s been tormenting us for years?
It took a while, but I finally found the perfect routine for me!
Taking inspiration from both p90X and Paranormal Activity, I designed a program that combines fat-blasting interval training with demon-blasting Catholic exorcisms. Did you know that just 30 minutes of cardio paired with the hysterical chanting of Latin biblical verses can burn up to 700 calories and sufficiently piss off the ghoul that treats your body like an Airbnb?
Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t see results overnight. I not only had to deal with the usual weight-loss demons that the average woman faces like sugar-cravings, lack of motivation, sore muscles, I also had to deal with the demon Geoff I was battling for bodily autonomy.
There were many mornings where I just felt like snoozing my alarm and skipping the gym because Geoff had kept me up the night before crab-walking around my room and speaking in tongues. But you know what, Geoff? The devil works hard, but I work harder!
Once I lost the Geoff-weight, I felt like a whole new me! Not only was I able to fit into the expensive jeans I had bought years ago and never worn, but I was able to salvage all the relationships that had become strained by Geoff’s tendency to take hold of my body and use it as a weapon of terror and destruction. Honestly, it felt like half of the 80 pounds I lost was purely emotional weight! (I don’t mean to plasma-shame Geoff—he’s just a little “thicc”).
But I realized I couldn’t stop there. I needed to become an advocate for other women struggling to achieve their dream body while sharing control of that body with a carb-loving poltergeist.
So it’s with great pride that I present “Exorcise Me!”: a fitness program designed with the perpetually haunted in mind. For just one easy payment of $349.99, I will help you find the path to a happier, healthier life. I want all the women out there who are struggling to lose stubborn belly fat, or feeling embarrassed by perpetual bloating, or who think they’ll never lose the weight, to know they’re not alone. Because it’s likely the ghost of a husky Victorian child is living inside them!
Again, with just one small payment of $349.99, you'll be ready to snatch your body back from the erratic specter that’s possessed it—and look “snatched” doing it!