It happened one night when we were arguing by the door.

“I’m tired,” I whined, “I don’t want to go on a walk.”

“Ruf!” Spot barked, biting at my pants.

“Why are you like this? You’re so much of a dog sometimes!”

“Ruf! Ruf!”

Then our studio apartment filled with a purple hazy light, and with a flash I was on all fours on the ground. I looked up to see… me! And with the full beard I could never grow. But I felt so itchy. I took a seat and started scratching my ear with my hind leg. I had this urge to pee on the dresser, just so no one else thought they could claim it. But then I saw a squeaky toy and my tail started going off. I remembered all of this weeks later when I finally realized my dog and I had switched bodies. My brain’s smaller now, that’s my excuse.

With a chuckle-ish grunt, human Spot stepped over dog me and walked out the door, slamming it behind him. “I hope he brings back a sweet treat,” I thought. Then I jumped up on the bed and took a nap.

I honestly liked being a dog at first. I got to nap pretty much all day, no work, lower hygiene standards. But I think my dog is outperforming me human-wise, and I don’t know how to feel about that.

He started by cleaning, like really cleaning. He bought a mop and a duster and dish soap, like excessive stuff. He cleaned himself up too. Got a haircut and started showering every day, if you can believe that. And I’m pretty sure he got my Michael Scott tattoo removed, but he won’t let me see.

One day he came home with a suit, and I think he got another job or promotion or something. All I know is I went from kibble to FreshPet, and we drive a Rivian now. He’s also been taking me on a lot of house tours. It’s all kind of blah until we get to the backyards. But the backyards are massive! I don’t know, maybe he won a game show or something because when I was the human we were barely making rent on the studio.

He’s also doing weirdly well with the ladies. I think I only ever brought my mom home, but he’s had all kinds of women over. I’d be uncomfortable watching anyone make moves in my place, but it’s really weird to watch the like GQ-ified version of myself make them. The worst of it is he’s going steady with my office crush now. And he’s killing it. But she pets me, so there’s that.

One time he dropped me off at my office crush’s house for the weekend. It was a dream come true. We played at the dog park, cuddled on the couch, even kissed. But when she called me a “bad boy” because I chewed on one slipper, I knew the fantasy was over. Plus it’s a bit humiliating to have to beg for your crush to take you to the bathroom.

When human Spot came to pick me up, he had a long teary chat with her. Apparently he had flown back home and healed my relationship with my father. Then he stopped in Portland to ask her dad for permission to marry her. He took a knee and the wedding’s this Saturday. I’m going to be the four-legged ring bearer at my own wedding.

As much as I hate to admit it, I think my dog is a better me than me. And I guess I don’t mind being his dog. He takes me to the vet and everything. But wait, how long do dogs live again? I need to check on that because I think it’s less.

Hold that thought, I see peanut butter!