Technically, I did land the plane so it's a little rude not to at least try to clap for me. It’s simple etiquette! If someone extends their hand, you shake it. If you go through a door, you hold the door open for the person behind you. If your pilot crashes the airplane, you clap!
I know you're the lone survivor, but that makes it all the more insulting. Sure it was a bit of a bumpy ride, yes we crashed into the side of a mountain before coming to a screeching halt, you're correct to notice that your fellow passengers are, well, dead. But on a human level, I feel I still deserve the applause.
Maybe you’re annoyed you had a middle seat?
There are many different kinds of claps to demonstrate your appreciation for me, your pilot, who spent hours—plural—in pilot school and attended most of my classes. Do you know what class I aced? Plane Landing Applause 101. Nothing in my textbook, that I never actually bought but did skim briefly, said anything about passengers not clapping after the plane lands. Let's see there's “enthusiastic clapping,” “golf clap,” “beatnik snaps,” “standing ovation,” you choose!
What's that? You can't stand? Badly injured? I see. Well, I'm happy to receive a sitting ovation or, oh boy, looks like you're really struggling. Yes, a laying-on-the-ground-in-excruciating-pain ovation will do just fine.
You see, I was born to do this. In the hospital the doctors miscalculated my approach speed coming out of my mom, and I crash landed on the floor. My first words were “mayday! mayday!”, my first steps were off the roof of the garage.
My family has a long, proud tradition of being pilots. My great grandfather was a pilot and died in a plane crash. My grandfather was a pilot and died in a plane crash. My dad was a pilot and died in a plane crash. My hamster was a pilot that died in a plane crash. This is in my blood, man.
Oh, sorry, that’s actually your blood.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for clapping. See? I knew you could do it. I could barely hear it over the din of your agonizing screams, but I appreciate it. I know I got a little emotional back there but I’m passionate about what I do. Now, let's get out of here before someone gets hurt.
Before we go, quick question. This is a little awkward but I, uh, you see my co-pilot, Terrence, R.I.P., was my ride home and seeing as how he's bled out onto the console, well, would you mind driving me? I’m pretty tired. I’ve had a long day.
Oh, almost forgot! Thank you for flying with Spirit Airlines. We at Spirit Airlines appreciate your loyalty and hope you'll come back and fly with us soon. We are also reminding Spirit customers that Spirit Airlines announced that they merged with the side of a mountain. Now, all Spirit Airline flights are non-stop into the side of the mountain closest to your destination. Whether this is home or you're visiting—welcome to Phoenix. We hope you enjoy your hospital stay.