THE RODEO® KING™
An over-the-top double whopper with onion rings, bacon slabs, tangy BBQ sauce, and mayonnaise, this contestant is the cowboy, the stuntman, the male model, the social media participant, the CEO of a kooky sock company. He’s not here for the right reasons, but he’ll ask to “steal you away for a sec” the most, angering the other contestants.
Hoping to make it to the fantasy suite, he has a catchphrase and chlamydia. In a wrestling challenge for your love, he’ll almost kill someone, but you’ll fall in love with him for giving it his all, as his victim gets a cast in the E.R. He’ll eke out a victory in the two-on-one date with the same victim (see: Chicken Fries), but eventually he’ll have to go home when his girlfriend visits him on set.
THE SOURDOUGH CHICKEN CLUB
A 100% white meat filet sandwiched between a mayonnaise-soaked sourdough bun, this Trump-supporting contestant will get drunk off vodka cranberries on the first night and admit to you that he’s never met a black person before. “Crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside,” this man is overly tan, squawks when he’s hungry, wears sunglasses inside, and you’ll want to eliminate him immediately, but the producers will make you keep him around for a while because he has a dark family secret that is scheduled to be revealed in the 3rd episode. After you’re finally allowed to eliminate him, he peers into the windows of the mansion every day for the rest of the season.
CHICKEN FRIES
“A fan favorite,” he doesn’t put on airs. You know what you’re getting with him—no hidden spices or personality disorders—and you can count on him when you’re drunk and hungry. He has a boring but stable IT job, and he doesn’t seem to mind when you tell him you don’t want to hear about it. Unfortunately for him, you’ll eventually be craving more—something more filling and potentially dangerous.
THE BIG FISH
When you first meet him outside of the mansion, he describes himself as a “delicious, golden-crisp catch,” and he reels you in with an invisible reel. He’s from a small pond in Iowa, but wants you to know that he was the star of his high school football team and that he does exceptionally well as a pharmaceutical sales rep. He makes it to hometowns because he buys you a fancy watch, but when he walks you through the halls of his high school and makes you meet the principal, his former coach, his ex-girlfriend who’s still in love with him, the two kids he used to bully, and an elderly couple he paid to play his grandparents, you’ll crave something a little less washed up.
THE MORNINGSTAR VEGGIE BURGER
He’s an accountant with a dry sense of humor. He never gets a one-on-one date and nobody knows his name, but somehow he makes it to the final 5.
PB&J JAMWICH
This is your childhood best friend who surprises you at the mansion—you never knew you were interested in him, but you briefly consider the possibility. Ultimately, there’s just something not right about ordering him at this place and time. He’s crustless and seems here for the wrong reasons, and when you eliminate him, he says he doesn’t remember you that well anyway.
EGG-NORMOUS BURRITO™
He’s the king of making bad puns and grand entrances using animals. He shows up on an ox because his love for you is as strong as one, and he wants you to taste his “savory sausage” in the morning. “I mean an actual breakfast sausage, of course,” he says, because he’s in the habit of explaining all of his puns, too. You keep him around for a while because you like animals, but when he brings a bear with him on your one-on-one date in Barcelona because his love for you is “unbearable,” you eliminate him immediately.
SPICY CHICKEN JR.
He’s into fast cars, but his spice is underwhelming, so he kicks the flavor up a notch in the last episode when he proposes to you but an hour later tells you he regrets his decision.