Food Poisoning
This one is a classic. Right before your flight, call the groom and tell him that you’ve been up all night dealing with food poisoning, so you won’t be able to make it to the wedding. Nobody ever questions the food poisoning excuse.
However, if you’re one of those people who fakes food poisoning to get out of everything (work events, your kid’s parent-teacher conference, other weddings), then people might see through your ruse. Also, food poisoning isn’t contagious, so a particularly insistent wedding party might not let you off the hook so easily.
In that case, it’s time to up the ante.
Pink Eye
Since Pink Eye is usually thought of as a children’s illness, there is a level of grossness that comes with admitting you have it. When faking Pink Eye, I’d recommend you rub some soap in your eye and take a picture, just so you have proof if anybody asks for it. You can also throw in some negging for good measure.
When the bride tells you to stay home so she doesn’t have Pink Eye in her wedding pictures, offer to wear an eyepatch, even though your eye is so swollen that “it might not even fit over your face.” She’ll be begging you not to show up!
Giardiasis
Giardiasis is an intestinal infection caused by the protozoan parasite Giardia, and symptoms often last between two and six weeks. That sentence alone will get you out of any social event. Put that in a text message and relax. You’re off the hook.
Appendicitis
The problem with claiming Appendicitis to get out of a destination wedding is that you can only use this excuse once, unless you figure out how to grow another Appendix (which could be used as an interesting excuse in and of itself).
One danger with this excuse is that someone going to the wedding might try to visit you in the hospital. In this scenario, you will need to steal the identity of an actual patient, bribe them to step outside for a little while, and borrow their bed whenever someone visits.
You will also need to visit a reputable tattoo artist to give you a realistic-looking scar in case you go to any pool parties in the next few years. The tattoo might be painful, but it won’t hurt as much as your neck after a seventeen-hour flight to a tropical island for a wedding that isn’t yours.
Hit and Run
This one isn’t so much an illness as it is an injury, but getting hit by a car is the perfect excuse to get out of a destination wedding. For added effect, you could ask someone to impersonate a police officer and call the wedding party on your behalf, just to emphasize the severity of your injuries.
In a way, being the victim of an anonymous hit and run is a gift in disguise because you can use the incident as an excuse to avoid social events for months to come. Bachelor party? No worries, you’re still recovering in the hospital. Baby shower? Nope, you need to identify the driver in a police lineup. That doesn’t even begin to cover the dragged-out court case.
If you’re lucky, you won’t need to speak with anyone until next year, which makes it much easier to hide the fact that you didn’t really break both legs, an arm, and three ribs.
Leprosy
Nobody knows what Leprosy actually is, so nobody will be able to disprove your diagnosis. Do a quick Google image search beforehand so you’ll know what to describe over the phone. Just keep in mind that the wedding party might feel the need to avoid international travel out of fear that they caught leprosy from you, and as a result, they might hold the wedding in their backyard. If they ask you to stop by, just make an appearance for a few minutes. It should be alright if you stay socially distanced.
Clearly, there's a lot of leeway when it comes to faking a serious illness. You can also use these ideas as a baseline when you need an excuse to get out of your own destination wedding, which requires a little more commitment.
Yes, Ebola is on the table. Just bring an iPhone charger when they put you in monitored isolation for two months.