- We’re both on top of a precarious scaffold, balancing over a drop that would mean certain death.
- We’re fighting.
- You think I’m evil, while I think you are bad for interfering with my plans.
- Both of us would prefer that the other one be the one who dies.
- We both use violence to achieve our ends. For instance, I blew up an office building in order to ransom money from the city, while you have frequently attempted to punch me to stop me from blowing up more buildings.
- I murdered your wife, and you got pretty mad at me for doing that. We’ll call that one a tie.
- We’re both people!
- We both have two arms, two legs, and we are wearing pants.
- I was gonna say shirt, but you straight up tore yours off. I don’t know why you did that.
- If someone who lived far out in space were to look at both of us, all they could see would be the same pale blue dot orbiting a tiny sun called Earth.
- Sometimes at a party, you take a “shot.” Recently, at a party, I “shot” your wife.
- We both think Nickelback is kind of underrated.
- Oh, you don’t think that? Um. Neither do I.
- Ugh, Nickelback, am I right?
- We both have a really big hairy spider on our shoulders. You’re not gonna check? Not even a little? Well, it was worth a shot.
- We’re both getting too old for this.
- Yeah, I know that’s usually your line, but I said it this time. See how similar we are? Practically the same.
- I hired a bunch of guys to kill you and you beat all of those guys up. Pretty violent of you!
- We both kill our underlings when they fail us.
- You don’t do that? But how do you make your underlings fear you?
- Wait, is this why it’s always so hard to find underlings?
- Your vow to defeat me really “blew up” on social media. Sort of like how I put bombs in an elementary school!
- You didn’t know about the school, did you? Uh, well, now we both do!
- We’re both pretty aware right now that when you say “put bombs in an elementary school” out loud it sounds kinda bad.
- We both agree it’s time to take a nice little break and calm down.
- Let’s both close our eyes and take a breath break. In, out. In, out. You’re not closing your eyes either.
- Oh hey, what about that time we had a ski chase? That was fun!
- Okay, yeah, it was after I killed your wife. But that doesn’t have to ruin the skiing!
- Gosh, you’d think we’d have more nice memories together, but I’m completely blanking on any right now.
- You got anything?
- No?
- I’ll take that as a no.
- Hey, do you remember Garbage Pail Kids? Those were pretty cool. We both remember Garbage Pail Kids, right?
- Not the movie; that sucked. The cards! You didn’t collect Garbage Pail Kids?
- Wow, I’m really carrying this conversation, huh? You can add something any time you want.
- There’s another similarity! I sometimes explode children, while you sometimes make hurtful remarks. Rude!
- Well, in conclusion, I hope I’ve demonstrated my contention that we’re not actually so different, you and I.
- In fact, we’re somewhat similar.
- What do I want you to make of that? Good question. I was mostly just getting ready to charge you in a desperate rush that will either catch you off guard or lead to my horrible death.
- Speaking of which…
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