Dear Billy,
Please accept this soaked letter with the ink smudged as my formal notification of my resignation from Bathtub Inc, effective immediately.
While I learned a lot in my four years as Vice President of Relaxation in the Hygiene Department, I wanted to offer up some reasons as to why I’m departing. The addition of the bath bombs in 2020 in order to “relax,” added a much larger workload and panic to my plate than I believe management could have anticipated. Your nightly exclamation of “BOMB!” as you dropped the lavender bath bomb into the hot water that I was swimming in caused much distress. I was constantly putting out fire drills thinking a real bomb was in our office only to find out it wasn’t a real bomb. This was a nightly occurrence due to me having a duck brain.
Furthermore, the lack of an option to work remotely was also a quacktor in my decision to depart. Though I realize Bathtub Inc. must be completely in person due to the nature of its work, my needs have changed since I first began my role.
I’ve learned a lot during my years at Bathtub Inc, and I know that many of these skills I acquired will float along with me to my next opportunity. For example, working side-by-side with you opened my eyes to how freaking weird adults who still take baths are. I took a chance with this role because my friend on Sesame Street spoke so highly of working with Bert and Ernie and being serenaded in song every night, but it’s different with you. You waterboarded me every night and I still stayed, which taught me loyalty. This experience has shaped me significantly, and will guide me in deciding who not to work with in the future.
I also learned how important the work behind the curtains is. Literally, I was behind a shower curtain. Who the hell keeps that shut when they’re taking a bath?
As to where I’m waddling to next, I decided that my time abroad has come to an end. I figured it’s time to settle down and start a family, so I’ll be taking my talents back to nature where I first started working as a piece of litter. Yeah, I’ve been floating the idea of a homecoming for a while, so I decided to finally spread my wings back there. I felt there wasn’t a ton of room to grow here literally as your tub is only 8 feet long. And frankly, I’m worried about the long-term personal health implications of the black mold in your tiles and pubic hair on the walls. I just think this is the next natural step in my life cycle as a rubber duck.
But before I fly out of here, I’m happy to give you some pointers for future toys that join you in the tub. First off, you need to read better books that are your actual reading level. You’re better than reading Fabio novels and you’re not supposed to be hornily sweating when you’re taking a bath and as your co-worker, it feels like an HR violation.
Plus, some music while we’re working would be a nice touch. Your heavy sighs and crying ruins the vibe and I think playing some Top 40 would drown out all of that. Finally, please work on your diversity in our workforce. I can’t grow as a duck in the tub when you’re only hiring rubber ducks that look like me when there’s an abundance of talent out there. I know there’s lots of underrepresented toys like submarines, fishes, and how could we forget the 26 letters of the alphabet. Just a few of these changes would make future rubber ducks stay loyal to your tub.
In closing, I want to thank you for giving me my start in the tub business. I knew I was taking a plunge into the deep end by taking a 24/7 job and saying goodbye to flying south for the winters. It’s because of you I know now I shouldn’t be constrained by the width and length of the tub. I am really thankful for all you’ve done for me.
Oh by the way, can I get paid out for my unused vacation days?