They say in life, there are no winners and losers, yet here we are, living proof of how far from the truth that actually is. Would you like to guess who is who in this situation? You'll have to speak up, though—I'm afraid I won't be able to hear you from all the way in the back of the cabin.
And I know what you're probably thinking right now: that you “don't care,” that it's “not a competition,” that we're all going to the same place at the same time. But we're not. And it is a competition. Everything is. That's why my neck pillow is bigger than yours.
I'd imagine you also can't help but wonder what's got me in such a hurry, what with me already standing here in the middle of this aisle and all. A wedding, perhaps? Maybe an important business meeting? Well, neither, actually. I'm going to a T-Pain concert at a waterpark. It's not until two nights from now. But all of that is irrelevant because, at the end of the day, if there's one thing you can always count on, it's that “the second the bird lands, Big Glenn stands.”
Gee, you know, for someone who claims to be so unbothered by me, you sure can't help but look over here. I mean, you cannot take your eyes off me. I might as well be the only person on this plane. And in my mind, I am. Except for my little support pup here, of course.
Who's a good little Doberman, Pontius Pilate? That's right, you are!
Now, here's what I would do if I were you in this situation: exactly what I'm doing. But we both know that isn't going to happen, don't we? You're too invested in this idealistic cause you've conceived and now champion in your own head. That's ok, though. You can sit idly by with your imaginary medal as I rip fate into my own hands and claim the ultimate prize: ten more minutes in Tempe, Arizona than you.
Oh, you're thinking about karma right now, aren't you? I know that look on your face. You're thinking: it's ok, certainly karma will come back to get him for this.
Well, I have some unfortunate news for you: nothing bad has ever happened to me before. And honestly? I'm seriously starting to wonder if anything bad ever will. But, hey, if that sweet thought of karmic justice is going to help you through the next fifteen minutes, you go right ahead. But just so we're both on the same page? This donut I'm eating? Got it for free.
Now, listen, I'd love to stay and chat. I really would. You've been great. And so patient. But as you probably just heard, it's time we collect our things—more applicable for you than me at this point—and go our separate ways. So, you have a great time remaining in your seat for anywhere between the next ten to fifteen minutes, whereas I am going to get into a profoundly violent physical altercation with someone on the taxi line.