Hi there, welcome in! I’m the owner of the boutique you walked into on a whim—my mere presence is going to make it extremely difficult for you to leave here without buying anything. Let me know if I can get a fitting room started for you!

Before you start browsing, can I interest you in a paper cup of tea from the dispenser by the door? It doesn’t taste good, but it’s free! As you can see, there’s nobody else in here, so it’s no trouble.

Just so you know, everything in here costs at least $600. You might want to consider giving your bank a quick call just to let them know you’ll be making a big purchase. I wouldn’t want your card to get declined.

Are you looking for anything specific today? Just browsing? Awesome—mind if I watch from the other side of the room?

Did I mention the tea’s free? On the house. Paid for out of my own pocket.

Sorry, one thing—and I feel dumb even asking this—but you’re not a shoplifter, right? You’re not idly rifling through my merchandise for shoplifting purposes? I know, I know, sorry, I just get paranoid whenever someone has been in my store for more than three minutes without purchasing anything.

I’m not saying I think you’re going to shoplift, I’m just saying I’ll see if you do.

How’s the tea? Cold? Yeah, that makes sense, it’s been sitting out since yesterday.

Will you excuse me for one second? I just want to pop into the back room real quick—I got some new merch in today that, based on our brief, lukewarm snippets of conversation, I think you might like. Don’t leave or I’ll call the cops! Only kidding. But I would be deeply and irreparably hurt. Okay, hold tight.

Back! Still hanging out by the door? I know, I was monitoring you on the security camera feed while I was in the back.

Anyway, I noticed your outfit was lacking a big, weird hat and I found something in the back that’ll fix that right up… care to take a guess? No? Fine, I’ll just tell you—it’s a big, weird hat! The biggest and weirdest one I’ve got, with the most felt flowers.

Try it on! Go on, try it! Try it on! On your head! Try it—wow! I was right—you look stunning in felt. It really brings out your dilated pupils, flushed skin, and visibly racing pulse.

No need to decide right away! I also noticed you’ve been eyeing those custom leather cowboy boots for quite a while. Is it because they’re right by the door and you’re planning your escape? Or is it because you’re seriously considering racking up $1,200 plus tax in credit card debt just so you can avoid the awkwardness of leaving this store empty-handed?

Before you answer, I feel compelled to tell you that it was always my dream to open up a deceptively expensive, vaguely cowboy-themed clothing boutique. I just thought you should know that.

Did I mention you look amazing in that big, felt hat? My biggest and feltiest.

All set? Good choice on the felt hat, it looks so big and misshapen on you! And, hey, just because we get along so well, I’ll throw in those boots you were so obviously lusting after at a 6% discount. No, don’t protest—I insist! Also, I added you to our email list and saved your personal number on my cell. You’ll be hearing from me, like, a lot. Thanks so much for stopping in today!