Hey, it’s me: your loved one in a movie. I know I’m just running out the door to grab some extra paper plates from the grocery store, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you. You know that, right?
I know I’ve been super closed off my entire life, but, I don’t know, there’s something about right now that just makes me want to bare my soul to you. Yeah, we’ve had our fights, but you’ve always been dear to me.
Like, I know we’ve had a rocky relationship, but I just want you and everyone at this party to know that I have an incredibly sad backstory and an inspiring outlook on life that would make it pretty tragic if I were to die in the next 10 to 15 minutes.
Alright, now I’m just going to say something lighthearted and funny but also endearing before I head out. I wonder if these words are the last I’ll ever say to you.
There’s no reason to get all worked up, it’s just a five-minute drive to the grocery store and a five-minute drive back. Oh, look, it just started to rain. I’ve always sucked at driving in the rain.
Does anyone else think the veil feels, like, super thin right now? Haha, I’m just joking around! Why are you so tense?
Okay, get a good long look at my face because once I leave, you won’t see me until I get back, and my face might be hidden behind all the paper plates I’m definitely going to return with. Unless something happens.
I don’t know why I said that.
Woah, sorry about that, I just got overcome by an unexpected coughing fit. Looks like if I do make it back from the grocery store, it won’t be long before the cancer gets me, anyway. I’m kidding! It’s probably cystic fibrosis or congestive heart failure.
I’m going, I’m going! But real quick, has anyone else felt like I’ve always been a little too good for this world? Like, maybe I’m a little too loveable to have ever required a full-blown character arc, and perhaps my existence is solely meant to serve the development of you, the character who is a little rough around the edges but ultimately has a good heart? Probably, right?
Look, there’s no need to get overly sentimental, but definitely don’t say anything mean, either. Like, for sure don’t say something you might live to regret if I never returned from this little trip.
It’s just… I love you, okay? Always have. I know I told you that already, but you can never say it too much, right? Damn, that rain is, like, really coming down, huh?
Okay, okay, I’m actually leaving now! But not before I stop right at the threshold of the door, turn around, give you a knowing smile, and say, “Be back soon.”
Oh, by the way, did you listen to the voicemail I sent you last week? No? Probably for the best, I have a feeling it’ll hit harder in 72 hours when you randomly stumble across it on your phone.
Anyway, off to get those paper plates, even though there are definitely some extra ones already in the pantry and this trip is ultimately meaningless.