Every year, I wonder if it’s worth it to make a big deal out of Thanksgiving, and every year I decide that it is. It may be a grueling five-hour drive to my parents’ house, but Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
I know what you’re wondering. When drinking multiple glasses of gravy in one sitting, what kind of stemware do I recommend?
That’s an important question. I find that a goblet with a large bowl—something suitable for a full-bodied Cabernet—works well for most turkey gravies. An exception is a giblet gravy, which is delightfully festive when served in a champagne flute so you can see all the floating chunks of turkey neck and gizzard. But no matter what glassware you choose, gravy should be chugged quickly to avoid a skin forming on top.
As to whether it is unhealthy to drink so much gravy in one sitting, I spoke with my doctor and she said, “Good God, yes, of course it is.” She seemed especially concerned that after last Thanksgiving, the lipid panel portion of my blood work came back from the lab stamped with a skull and crossbones.
But what do doctors know? I mean, is life really worth living if a family can’t celebrate Thanksgiving by imbibing a few gravy boats full of the most delicious flour- and fat-based viscous substance on Earth?
I posed that question to my new boyfriend when I invited him to spend Thanksgiving with my family this year, and he said, “I’m sorry, did you just say that you and your entire family drink gravy?”
I called my Mom distraught. “Mom, how can I be with him if he doesn’t drink gravy?”
“Listen,” she said, “when I brought your Dad home to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving for the first time, he had never even tasted gravy.”
“What? But Dad loves gravy so much!”
“I know, right?” she continued. “It just took one sip of my Mom’s golden brown elixir, and by the end of the year we were walking down the aisle. We even had a gravy fountain at our wedding!”
My Dad took the phone from my Mom. “Honey, bring the boy home. If he’s the one for you, we’ll have him riding the gravy train before you know it!”
You see, every family has their own special traditions that may seem weird to other people. Some people put extra cardamom in the pumpkin pie. Some people put oysters in the dressing. Some people eat green bean casserole, and green bean casserole looks and tastes like a group of cats mass-vomited into a Pyrex dish. And some folks just guzzle gallons and gallons of the savory, delicious sludge known as gravy.
So I’m taking a chance and bringing my boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. But I also get it that some people don’t drink gravy. Just please don’t judge me and my family for serving it in a giant punch bowl in the middle of the table. Or for using the leftovers to dunk our donuts the next morning. Because gravy is fucking delicious.
Unless it is made from a packet. That is truly disgusting.