It’s tough to express your true colors and quirky characteristics from initial interactions, especially when you’re a chronic introvert with crippling social anxiety. You want to have friends, acquaintances, hell even that guy who held the door for you last week to look at you and think “hey she looks… interesting.” Well, luckily you can adopt a personality via outerwear items.
Fur Collared Denim Jacket
Truly, you’re an old soul. You live for John Hughes movies and are constantly complaining that you were born in the wrong generation. You hate Stranger Things for culturally appropriating the 80s, and find every excuse to express your love for Queen. This piece proclaims a self-affirmation that also reads as: “I bought this Volvo exclusively because it has a cassette player.”
Patagonia Thermal Vest
Show off your white privilege and trust fund account with this jacket that is basically made from the carpeting in your grandmother's basement. Nothing says “I spend my Winters in Aspen with my extended family and our 4 golden retrievers” like this novelty piece. Perfect for men and women of all ages.
Black Leather Jacket
Nothing bothers you and don’t give a fuck about how Ariana Grande is feeling.
You pump your own gas to your Kawasaki z750 and have never cried during anal. Hacking into the popular girls Facebook accounts were you’re extracurricular in high school. Basically, you’re Lisbeth Salander.
Windbreaker
Exercise is a top priority and you exclusively drink Essentia water. You’re currently branding as an entertainment/fitness influencer because your following count hit 3k a week ago. At least half your Tinder pictures are of you doing a handstand on a mountain in upstate New York.
Colorblock Windbreaker
You wear this athletic fit ironically because you are actually a struggling improv performer. Sure, most of the shows you perform at are bringers and most of the audience is your sadly empathetic co-workers, but someday that will all pay off when you’re an UCB understudy on a Carnival Cruise Line
Green Parka
You deleted your social media accounts in 2015 to start living in the moment. You support local coffee shops, even when a small latte is $7.62 after tax. You love making “white people jokes” even though your dad is a direct bloodline to the Third Reich. Oat milk is your self-care.
Kimono
You refer to your boyfriend as your “spiritual partner.” You and your “spiritual partner” fuck with the blinds open and drink Earl Grey tea from Dean & Deluca. When most people ask where your decor is from, you act unsure because you’re too afraid to admit that your parents bought them. You have a fading tattoo of a Koi fish on your ankle from a previous “spiritual partner” who is now in prison.
Peacoat
Women hold the doors for you because you’re radiating with class and femininity. You have a collection of various Playbills, even the ones you feel asleep during. Guys are intimidated by your boldness which is why they rarely hit on you, which is also why you haven’t had sex in a year and a half (but who’s counting?). When people ask what you do for a living you tell them you’re a performer, but actually, you’re just in retail customer service.