Dear My Intrepid Crew (Dad),
I have been informed of backroom and industry rumblings about my misconduct on this “un film” set. We are all fortunate to work in this “business of show,” and I want to address all allegations head-on. I see my behavior as an extreme passion for an artistic vision. However, I have heard this quote from the crew, “Mateo is pawning off homework on his father and throwing a temper tantrum when asked to do work.”
I am BLESSED, BLESSED, BLESSED, that you have chosen to take this journey with me on an extra-credit project my teacher assigned to appease parents afraid of “learning loss” during the break. When I was heaven-sent this game-changing film idea from the Muses, I immediately thought of you, your tremendous talent, and easy access to a non-password-protected iPad. It was YOU AND ONLY YOU; I considered taking a small, inconsequential scene from Captain Underpants and The Wrath of The Wicked Wedgie Women and turning it into a laborious, overcomplicated stop-motion animation.
I know you have spent most of the Christmas break trying to figure out the trial version of Stop Motion Animator on the App Store and that you graciously listened to me beg you to buy the full version despite knowing I didn’t need it, would never use it again and was using the ask as a reason to convince you to buy a game called Toilet Hoops.
I AM IN AWE of how you pushed through your lower back pain and chronic prostatitis to get out the giant Rubbermaid containers of Lego. You didn’t say anything (which was appreciated) when you spent four hours looking for a specific Star Wars Lego minifig I insisted was in one of the bins. But, when I realized how boring it was helping you out, I kept my head down and got “lost” in building a Lego car. Sorry.
When you showed me a minifig that was good enough for the project and asked, “Is this the one you are thinking of?” I didn't mean to scream, “NOT THAT ONE, DERPY,” and then return to pretend car building. Calling someone “Derpy” is never called for, and I only just heard the word from a YouTuber I was watching on your iPad behind your back when you went to the garage and got a second Rubbermaid container of Lego.
During the production, I admit I was no saint and could be temperamental. I lost interest when the set got technical. You were setting up your iPad. I started a FaceTime call with my cousin Luke. Right then, I did not need to know what level of Kirby’s Dream Land he was on. I also apologize for begging and whining that you buy an add-on DLC at the Switch store so I can destroy Luke at Kirby Dream Land. That was ill-timed and was, honestly, just another attempt to trick you into downloading the game Toilet Hoops.
When you screened the footage you had shot (THANK YOU! AND I MEAN, THANK YOU!), it may have been rude to say, “Do it again and do it right, bruh.” You have told me multiple times not to call you “bruh”, “brah,” or “bruuuuuuuuuuuuuh.” I did not create an inviting, inclusive environment where all ideas are celebrated when I said your filmmaking technique was “trash caca.”
I received word from one of our Executive Producers (Mom) that you are in your office (corner of your bedroom) looking up 8-10 week summer camps in upper remote Maine that feature no Internet and have doomsday prepper-based educational philosophies. I implore you not to be hasty in reacting to my conduct and return to the living room to finish the film. I promise to treat you with the professional care and respect you deserve.
Full disclosure: I deleted all the already shot footage and pictures from our recent Paris vacation to make room for Toilet Hoops.
Thank you for your ongoing commitment to independent cinema!
Mateo