How am I doing? Oh, not bad. You know, just living the dream.

A little of this, a little of that. Lots of falling, actually. Yep, that’s right. One minute I’m stationary and the next—plummeting. From where? That’s a good question. The sky? My bed? I can’t recall. Sometimes I hit the ground, sometimes I don’t. Why, yes. As a matter of fact, it was scary.

Oh, and my teeth. I’ve been losing them. Constantly. Yep, even the front ones. I’ll look down at my hands—which are completely swollen, by the way, like Mickey Mouse’s hands—and there they are, two or three at a time. Nope, no blood, no pain. Just an endless spout of loose chompers pouring into my cartoon mitts. It’s a recurring thing.

So, yeah. Between the falling, the teeth, and the holidays it’s just been a crazy couple of months.

Oh, the holidays were just fine, thanks. We went to visit my in-laws out in—yep, good memory, Philadelphia. We had a nice time. No, I wouldn’t call it relaxing. I mean, plenty of downtime, but I always feel like I need to be “on” around them, you know? It didn’t help that my father-in-law just quit smoking. And it really didn’t help that I was completely naked.

Yes, naked. What’s not to get? I’ll give you an example: One morning, a group of us went deep into the nearby tropical rain forest. For some birdwatching, right? And “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain starts playing—you know that song? And I just start weeping. I’m right back to my childhood. It’s summertime, everything is sepia, and my penis is out.

So now I’m a child, still bouncing on the trampoline—did I mention the forest floor is made of trampoline?—and I’m trying desperately not to cry, but I can’t help it. So crazy.

And that’s not even the strangest part.

So, we’re all walk-bouncing through this dense, dark forest, and my face is completely damp from all the sobbing. And now my father-in-law is pointing and laughing at me, right? And all of a sudden, Sarah from accounts payable appears out of nowhere. Exactly, Sarah with the glasses. Except now she has wings and no glasses and–

What? I don’t know, LASIK? It’s not important. Right, and oversized black wings, like a girl-crow.

Anyway, Sarah and I start French kissing in front of my wife and her parents. And now my wife is crying. And my Nana is there, too.

What’s that? No, I have no idea what it means.

So, anyway, after my Nana walks out into the sea, ignoring my increasingly frantic pleas to come back, I realize I’ve completely forgotten to study for my trig midterm. So, there I am, sitting in the front row of Mr. McVeety’s classroom and I don’t know a hypotenuse from my ass—which, by the way, is still exposed.

So, I’m stressed. And I’m fighting back tears. And there’s my father-in-law – but he doesn’t look like my father-in-law—and he’s leaning against a red-brick wall, lighting a cigarette and smiling at me. But it’s a creepy smile. Like he knows something I don’t know.

And Sarah is there, too. And she’s smiling at me. But then she starts growing taller and taller. And her wings jiggle a little bit. And her nose turns into a yellow beak and her hands become sharp talons and she’s squawking like a mad-bird.

So now this 30-foot-tall crow looks me dead in the eye and screeches, “Stop watching me, you pervert!”

Anyway. Not much else aside from that. How are you?