Phil: Greg's house, situated in the heart of Dixieland, is the stage for what has become an annual American tradition unlike any other: two of the nation's most neurotic, socially inept warriors battle for the ultimate in awkward supremacy. It's Cera Bowl IX, it's FOX, let's get this party started! I'm Phil Philson along with my partner, Buster "Boom Boom" McDougal. Boom Boom, glad to have you with us.
Boom Boom: I'm only here for community service hours. You know that.
Not only is he holding the door for people at an uncomfortably far distance, he's also holding the door for multiple people. Phil: The weather is perfect outside, Boom! Well for our viewers at home who may be unfamiliar with Awkwardball, a quick rundown: two individuals with varying degrees of social anxiety are set in a random setting, anything from drinks after work to funerals, and are tasked with out-awkwarding the other. Social faux pas, clumsiness, anti-social behavior, unwanted sexual advances and more are expected in this epic battle of wills.
Boom Boom: Might even see some blood, Phil. I'd really like to see some blood, Phil.
Phil: Haha! What a card you are, Boom! After 30 minutes of blundering about, The Council of Three convene to determine which of the combatants have brought more shame upon their respective dojo and a winner is chosen. The Cera Bowl, named in honor of the patron saint of all things awkward, Michael Cera, is the culmination of a grueling 52-week season, and the dream of every person who has ever tripped in public or sweated profusely.
The honorary victor, 9 years running.
Boom Boom: This one's for all the marbles, Phil. If you are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant, you will want to change the channel to knitting or some shit, you fucking coward. It's about to get ugly.
Phil: And let's meet our combatants. Trevor "Booger" Nguyen, a 28-year-old Best Buy employee, and Jennifer "We're Not Related" Lawrence, a 26-year-old aspiring mime, are the best of the best at being uncomfortably awkward. All year they have proven their lack of societal worth and meet here today to determine who is the saddest sack of them all.
Boom Boom: Win or lose, no one would miss either of them if they died. Will the loser be killed tonight, Phil?
Phil: They will not.
Boom Boom: Unfortunate.
Phil: Well the party has officially started and we are underway. And it looks like Trevor is off to a fantastic start; he's employing the Doorman technique with outstanding precision.
Boom Boom: That's right Phil. Not only is he holding the door for people at an uncomfortably far distance, he's also holding the door for multiple people, increasing his awkward quotient tenfold.
Phil: The complete lack of eye contact is a real nice touch as well. Let's check in with Jennifer to see how she's doing so far and… wow, hot starts for both of our athletes, guess we're in for a doozy. The party has just started and Jennifer is already playing her Nintendo 3DS.
Boom Boom: With the volume maxed out, and right next to the drinks, and on one leg. What a pro. If I was a gambling man, which I am, I would bet on Jennifer, which I did.
Phil: One really has to admire the lack of grace Jennifer is carrying herself with. One minute she's playing Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks and the next she's spilling her drink on other guests' shoes. It looks like she's in it to win it, Boom.
Boom Boom: Well she better if she wants to cover the spread and save my ass. I swear to god I do not need another fucking Italian stereotype breaking my legs.
Phil: You said it perfectly, Boom, all that training has really paid off. Not to be outdone, Trevor has made his way over to the dance floor, stepping on various patrons' feet along the way.
Boom Boom: Now he's using the good old-fashioned Dosey Doe; if you'll look where I'm pointing with my finger, but not look where my other fingers are pointing, you'll notice that after unsuccessfully attempting to dance with a young woman who politely points to her boyfriend, he immediately attempts to dance with said boyfriend.
Phil: Failing with style, Boom. But oh! It seems Jennifer has already countered.
Boom Boom: Fuck yeah, Jennifer! Fuck yeah! Tell that guy how you would love to have a Battlestar Galactica-themed wedding! Keep sneezing on every person unlucky enough to walk by you! Fart and try to play it off with that stupid "Oh, I'm a girl, everything I do is adorable!" bullshit! I think she might pull off the Awkwardball upset of the year, Phil.
Phil: Oh, and we were just talking about how well Jennifer was doing. It seems she has used too much quirkiness and has drifted into Manic Pixie Dream Girl phase. Her whimsical nature has actually become endearing, and she seems to be winning over some of the patrons rather than alienating them.
Boom Boom: The goddamn confetti she's throwing everywhere isn't doing her any favors. And now she's DJing! That's kind of fucking cool! Gonna be tough to get out of this one, Phil, especially with Trevor aimlessly walking around the dance floor with his hands in his pockets. Wouldn't be surprised if he tries to end it now.
Phil: Oh! Oh my goodness! That's exactly what Trevor is doing! He has just approached a young woman and complimented her hair!
Boom Boom: Holy fuck, he's about to use the Recycler isn't he? He's about to—
Phil: And he has! Trevor has given her random strands of hair he has been collecting throughout the night! And now he is clumsily discussing why the European Union should be dissolved! What a finish! What a finish!
Boom Boom: Ah…ohh…ahhhh…. I just did too.
Phil: You're right Boom, that's why they play the game. We want to thank you for watching Cera Bowl IX here on FOX and with Boom Boom McDougal—
Boom Boom: And I have a shit ton more hours to complete, too. Don't drink and arson, kids!
Phil: I'm Phil Philson. The post-game show with Terry, Howie, Jimmy and the gang is coming up and after that stay tuned for FOX's hit new reality show, Vaguely Sexual Doctor Visits; drop your pants, the doctor will see you now. Thanks folks, and goodnight!