The Tell-Tale Heart
The narrator is vexed by an old man’s pale blue eye. He sneaks into the old man’s bedroom nightly, hungry for murder. Then on the eighth night, the old man is reading a romantic fantasy series on his Kindle when the narrator walks in. The old man looks up in shock and the narrator gasps.
“What happened to your eyes?” the narrator asks. “They’re so warm and brown, like the chocolate river from Willy Wonka.”
“Colored contacts,” The old man replied. “Also… what are you doing in my room?”
The narrator starts crying, swept away by the beauty and richness of the old man’s eyes. They realize they are in love. They kiss. No one dies for a long, long time.
The Raven
Once upon a midnight dreary, a man was scrolling, weak and weary. He was trying to get over his toxic ex Lenore when a Raven came tapping on his bedroom door.
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Wait what? Did you just SPEAK?” the man asked the Raven while raising his phone to take a video.
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Holy shit, I’m going to get so many views off this,” the man said. The man posted the video of the talking Raven on TikTok and got 30 million views, tons of followers, and a sponsorship deal from the Baltimore Ravens. He forgot all about Lenore and later called her “a bore.”
The Man of the Crowd
The narrator is sitting in a London coffee shop watching the crowds go by. He sees an older man shuffling along and is intrigued by him.
He follows the man through the streets of London for two days but doesn’t speak to him. The narrator grows too weary to carry on following the man. Instead, he posts about the man on Craiglist’s “Missed Connections.”
The pair grab a coffee and become great friends. It’s revealed that the old man wasn’t “the type and genius of deep crime” but rather a retiree trying to get his steps in.
The pair start walking together every day and comparing steps on their FitBits.
The Cask of Amontillado
Montresor is tired of being insulted by his frenemy, Fortunato. One night, Montresor plans to enact his revenge. He lures Fortunato down to his basement with the promise of letting him try a fine sherry, the Amontillado.
As the two men head further into the basement, Montresor keeps handing Fortunato drinks to get him more and more drunk. Finally, the men reach a small niche in the wall, about four feet in depth, three feet wide, and seven feet tall.
Fortunato hits his head and falls down. Montresor chains him up and begins to wall up the entrance.
“You know, you could Airbnb this room,” Fortunato says. “In this hot market, I bet you could get 3…400 a night for a place like this.”
Montressor stops plastering and listens to Fortunato. “For this little room, really?”
“Of course!” Fortunado says back. “You can finish walling this room up like you’re doing now, add a door and some mid-century modern furniture and you’re golden.”
Montresor considers while looking around the room. He unchains Fortunato.
“Show me where you’d put the Keurig.”