Anyone with kids knows that they begin to outgrow their clothes as soon as they start wearing them. One day a shirt fits, next it's in the giveaway pile. You end up buying more clothes that are just going to be too small in a month.

But not with Growth Apparel. All Growth Apparel items grow with your child: when they move up a size, their Growth Apparel clothing grows right up with them, and keeps growing until they reach adulthood. That's because Growth Apparel clothes are made of a unique biological material that lives and ages at the same rate as the child wearing it. Our clothing functions just like normal clothes—you'd never know that it is an alive organism, save for the occasional dampness and an appropriate amount of mold that forms on the sleeves. And talk about fashionable: all Growth Apparel clothes are available in three stylish colors!

It's hard enough being a parent, and we want to give you one less thing to have to worry about. Luckily for you, a laboratory accident where human skin was inadvertently exposed to an experimental mildew means now you'll never have to buy new kids clothes ever again.

So how does a Growth Apparel item go from a clump of genetically-altered sprouts in our humid research labs to a living shirt, pair of pants, or shorts?

It all starts with a bonding process that begins when your child first puts on a Growth Apparel outfit. When bonding, the fungus-derived moss that is a Growth Apparel product attaches to the wearer for 11 days. During this time, the clothing-organism copies your child's DNA and maps their genome, which will allow it to mimic their size changes and physical development. It's during this period that the clothing gets that cozy, sludgy texture that you won't find from our competitors and their dry, nonliving clothes.

Once it's bonded, remove the garment and store it in its soil chamber for a week, exposing it to no sunlight. When seven days have passed, and after you've fertilized the clothing, the outfit is ready for regular wear. No need for a sizing chart: Growth Apparel clothing adheres tightly to the wearer's body for a perfect fit, also ensuring that the clothing can draw nutrients from its new symbiotic partner. And since the material will absorb its own waste product, you can say goodbye to doing piles of laundry every week!

Once your child is a co-entity with a Growth Apparel product, they will be the talk of their school in their stunning green, tan or gray Growth Apparel outfit. They will also be a committed biological partner to their clothing, helping it spread spores throughout their environment as they wear their clothes. This is an important part of assisting their clothes in reproduction: if the clothing is not actively trying to reproduce, it will die. Then you'll be back at square one, shopping the racks at Target like a sucker.

To maintain the physical bond that allows the clothing to grow on its wearer, your child must re-wear any Growth Apparel item within 30 hours of taking it off. Do not put a Growth Apparel item on a hairless dog, hoping to trick the clothing into thinking it's on your child: your dog's life will be in danger.

Best of all, Growth Apparel clothing costs nothing to maintain after an initial $5,000 payment. All that's needed is for the wearer to increase their intake of raw kelp, as it’s the only sustenance that has the proper nutrients that can be transferred to your Growth Apparel clothes. Wild kelp only: consuming farmed kelp will cause your Growth Apparel clothes to be drippy and overly mucusy.

Every Growth Apparel item comes with a guarantee, and not one customer has yet to report that a Growth Apparel product won't grow on their young one. Occasionally though, we have fielded the following issues:

My child ate some of their Growth Apparel clothing item:
Ingesting the material is harmless, and the clothing will simply regrow the missing area within days, thicker and firmer and harder to bite, and more bitter in taste.

Plants bend toward my child when wearing Growth Apparel:
Nothing to worry about: your nutrient-rich child/shirt-hybrid is merely inducing photosynthesis in nearby plants.

My child's shirt is dividing into more, smaller shirts:
Simply a breeding malfunction. We will gladly replace it with a correctly reproducing shirt.

My child’s nails and teeth are growing bark:
Though not dangerous, a bark trimming kit and dissolving solution can be ordered free of charge.

My Growth Apparel clothing is losing it's fabulous green/tan/gray color:
REMOVE ITEM IMMEDIATELY AND BURN. DO NOT INHALE SMOKE FROM BURNING ITEM.

So say goodbye to threadbare sweaters and pants worn out at the knees, and quit trying to make those kid jeans from last year fit your preteen. Let the latest in agricultural biotechnology and genetic engineering dress your family instead! Growth Apparel: your child grows—shouldn't their clothes grow too?