Economy Gold Premiere
First Class too expensive? We have just the thing.
Our valued Gold Premiere ticket-holders are showered with all of the delights the economy section of the plane has to offer. Luxuriate in 2.5 extra inches of legroom. Bask in the glow of our in-flight WiFi. Savor your premium peanuts.
You are the toast of economy, the lords and ladies of the middle-to-back of the plane, you are: Economy Gold Premiere.
Economy Plus
Man’s greatest triumph was to enter the kingdom of the sky. In Leonardo Da Vinci’s Codice Sul Volo Degli Uccelli, the visionary artist and inventor dared to dream that one glorious day, humankind might catch the wind and soar, like birds, through the heavens.
With the Economy Plus package by United Airlines, Da Vinci’s dream is finally realized in a seamless mesh of engineering and—actually, screw it, we’ve got nothing to hide: it’s just economy. That’s right, “Economy Plus” is just economy.
You know the drill. One ginger ale, a pack of saltines, your seat leans back a bit. Watch Inside Out a second time if you want.
Economy Regular
Economy Regular? You read through all our options and you picked “Economy Regular”?
You are the type of person who goes to a Mexican restaurant to order a plain cheese quesadilla. You are off-white paint. Good for you for knowing the kind of person you are.
Like Economy Plus but we made it smell bad. On purpose.
Economy Basic
Our Economy Basic passengers are seated in a section of the plane that is teeming with wild wolves.
These luxury-hungry wolves were raised in the Northern reaches of the Yukon, and they bring that special rush of bone-chilling fear that is reserved for lost, starving frontiersmen and cherished Economy Basic ticket-holders.
Also you can’t wear clothes in Economy Basic. Too heavy.
Economy Value
Our Economy Value tickets are available for valued but price-sensitive customers. The Economy Value section of the plane is located in the combustion chamber of the plane’s engines. Don’t worry about bringing a jacket on board; temperatures exceed 2,000 degrees! Beverages are not included.
Economy Minus
Air travel, why does it have to be so expensive? Sometimes, we just need to get where we’re going. The specifications for Economy Minus were originally classified as “Enhanced Interrogation Procedure,” but at United we know not every flight has to be a stay at the dang Ritz-Carlton.
Seating for Economy Minus is last, taking place shortly after takeoff. You and the other price-savvy passengers are dressed as giant salmon and launched in the general direction of the plane from a giant slingshot.
Why salmon? Our United Customer Service team thought it would look funniest, and boy were they right.
Should you make it to your seat, United flight attendants will stop by with a cart that is just a large metal box filled with boiling hot cranberry juice to roll back and forth over your feet for the duration of the flight. Live carpenter bees are complementary and served via funnel once the plane reaches cruising altitude.
We know a few bees are nothing to a shrewd deal-hunter such as yourself.
Have children? Not anymore. A team member from Economy Minus Childcare takes your children off your hands and carefully throws them off of the aircraft. That’s the United way. Sorry kiddo, but this ain’t First Class Platinum.
Economy Minus: What are you, made of money?