By staff writer Mitch Cundiff, featuring Jay Maloney
“Don't fuck with Chuck”? Well everyone, we're about to do just that—a metaphorical “round-house he-bitch pimp slap” if you will. Seriously though, it's gone on long enough. Chuck Norris has exploded onto every campus in America, adored by everyone from sorority sluts to smelly hippies. Sure, it was fun while it lasted, but the grace period for Mr. Norris has gone on past it's expiration date. It's time to move on to making fun of another quasi-celebrity now.
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Chuck Norris has been the red-headed bastard step-child of comedy for quite some time now, and for reasons unclear, simply won't make like Wacko Jacko and vanish from society. What's so goddamned funny about a 66-year-old martial artist/actor? Even though there's going to be at least 100 replies from people vehemently defending the show they've built their entire adult lives around, did anyone actually LIKE “Walker, Texas Ranger”? Has anyone actually SEEN his first movie, Meng Long Guojiang, which, roughly translated, means “My Long Trouser-Snake”?
But let's face it, if one source of public mockery is removed, then we are obligated to start manufacturing humor from an entirely new one for the sake of drunk college students everywhere. Accordingly, we now present to you the next great prospects for public mockery, post Norris-hysteria.
Ester Rolle
Esther is well-known for her role as “Florida Evans,” the outspoken gap-toothed hag on the hit show “Good Times.” Don’t be surprised if this vivacious beauty comes streaming back into the mainstream with more spunk than ever. In my opinion, there really aren’t enough large, sassy black women around to let us crackers know we’re “trippin'.” Star Jones makes a lame-ass attempt at this, but usually gets winded after every third sentence and ducks out for a cheeseburger break.
Esther took part in a few other films and Broadway productions that really aren’t worth mentioning, but the time has come for a career resurgence.
Esther Rolle Facts:
• “Esther Rolle once sheltered a family of four in her gap during a blizzard. Then she ate them.”
• “Esther Rolle’s annual consumption of pork products could feed the nation of Botswana for a year.”
• “Esther Rolle’s period could fill the Pacific Ocean. Twice.”
Fred Savage
This former “Wonder Years” star taught a whole generation of viewers that it’s okay to look really Jewish and have a squeaky voice, because little Asian girls will like you. (Plug in your own Woody Allen reference here.) Unfortunately, it seems as though Fred Savage has faded into obscurity, making random television appearances on shows such as “Scrubs” and the cartoon “Kim Possible,” supporting the theory that Fred Savage is such a horrible actor that a drawing of him is better than the real thing.
I have fond childhood memories of staying up late watching Fred Savage awkwardly grace my television screen, giving me a sense of how not to act. So in a way, I thank Fred Savage for my popularity.
Fred Savage Facts:
• “When Fred Savage speaks, the continent of Asia collectively orgasms.”
• “Fred Savage starred in ‘The Wonder Years' at the age of 36.”
• “Fred Savage is still acting.”
Tom Sizemore
I’m sure everyone has seen a Tom Sizemore movie. He was a total badass in Saving Private Ryan, and he contributed to a handful of other top-notch movies such as Pearl Harbor and Black Hawk Down. I was always a fan of his, and it seemed as though the guy kept his shit together. Unfortunately for him, he didn't keep his shit together at all. Earlier this year, he filed for bankruptcy because he spent all of his money on HEROIN. Yeah, not cocaine, heroin. That’s that one drug you cook and shoot into your veins, and I hear that it really isn’t that good for you. But that isn’t even the best part; he is now trying to sell his homemade sex tape to raise some money, most likely for heroin. He should probably title it, “Saving Ryan’s Privates,” or maybe “Black Cock Down.” Get it?
Tom Sizemore Facts:
• “It takes Tom Sizemore 5 gallons of pure heroin to get up in the morning.”
• “Tom Sizemore’s semen can dissolve diamonds.”
• “Tom Sizemore once saved 17 children from a burning orphanage. He then sold them to Michael Jackson and used the money to buy more heroin.”
O.J. Simpson
Before he became Stabby McWifekiller, O.J. Simpson enjoyed a lucrative and rewarding career in the NFL. Largely known as one of the greatest running backs of all time, O.J. held many records in his day, one of which was the season single rushing record in 1973. He also holds the record for the biggest fucking head in the history of forever. One thing he doesn’t hold a record for is killing his wife. People have done that before.
O.J. now enjoys a quiet life of solidarity and golf, frequently seen teeing off with gloves that are much too small for his hands. I guess he's made a habit of doing that.
O.J. Simpson Facts:
• “O.J. Simpson’s head is so large that it sustains it’s own gravitational pull.”
• “O.J. Simpson once killed two people and got away with it.”
• “O.J. Simpson once generated so much speed running for a touchdown that he warped into the future and and scored a second touchdown, catching a pass 10 minutes later in the exact same spot.”
If history has taught us anything, hopefully it's that moderately-known celebrities like these stand a solid chance to come roaring back into super-stardom sometime in the near future. When Esther Rolle decides to stop being so darn sassy, Fred Savage decides to stop being Fred Savage, Tom Sizemore thinks about not shooting heroin into his ballsac and having sex with prostitutes, and maybe, just maybe, O.J. stops killing people, they will achieve greatness. The world has been plagued with war and widespread hunger since these stars have been gone, and I pray that they realize that united, they are unstoppable.
Of course, since Conan isn't going to stop with the “Walker” bits, I doubt you will either.
*It has just been brought to our attention that Esther Rolle has been dead for almost ten years, so thanks to her selfishness, there will always be widespread destruction and famine. Thanks a lot, Esther.
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Submit a Fact – Share the weaknesses you know about Chuck Norris.